“Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me”
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me”
- Paul Simon
Heading
home…
Thomas Wolfe may have been right when he
wrote, You can’t go home again. Once
the moment-by-moment and daily pages of life are written, the manuscript begins
to emerge and what has been recorded is…irrevocable…unchangeable – each new
page waiting with eyes forward and ‘record button’ on.
For me, however, the operative word is
“…again,” because the strongest urge I have had and have, IS to go home. Home, not as a returning point, but rather a
destination to, and for which I have longed my entire life. ‘Home,’ the indescribable place of
protection…safety…contentment…renewal and growth.
Maybe it is nothing more than a yearning to
return to my mother’s womb – I am not clever enough to know. What I do know, however, is that it is
informed by a view of the horizon, the ‘what’s next.’ Surely the ‘what’s next’ is greatly enhanced
by ‘what has been,’ but the ‘what has been’ is finished and tucked away in the
recesses of my life experience.
It is also important to acknowledge one’s
inability to escape the gravity of their lives, meaning the early and
cultivated influences. I was brought up
in a home of faith…taught the existence of a Creator of the Universe…that life
had purpose, and that little was impossible in the face of curiosity and
faith.
I was taught, “…that without faith, it is
impossible to please God.” While this
teaching was in a religious context, and at the time only words, I have come to
understand the power of the concept in all parts of life. For without faith/belief, nothing comes into
the ‘viewfinder of possibility.’ Further
to the point, without action based on that conviction, nothing is possible at
all.
Does
anything really matter?
If life - all the stirring of the
waters…tempests in teapots…much ado(s) about nothing – has zero meaning, then
truly what is the point? It seems to me
that if we are bit players with nothing more significant than the briefest of appearances on the stage of an insignificant situation comedy, life is little more
than a poorly written cosmic joke. If
this brief period of consciousness is all there is in the enormity of the
universe of which we are less than the tiniest of specs, it is more than a
cosmic joke…it is lunacy.
If there be of no meaning, all the
philosophers, theologians, scientists, cosmologists, astronomers and more…those
who seek to find what it is all about…are simply wasting their time. Seriously, if it we are just a useless breath on the looking glass of the universe, who really cares?
I reject this idea out of hand. Everything matters!
The
great escape…
All of us are looking for a way out…a
transition to something more. Why do you
think we seek to be entertained, take mind alteration substances (alcohol or
drugs), play games, exercise, read books, go to dances? The list is endless! It
is because we are, at the most basic of levels, looking for an escape…a doorway
with the grand prize being a holiday from sinking even further into the
quagmire of mediocrity. The
entertainment, recreational and vacation businesses are huge because we inherently
hunger for an artificial relief from our day-to-day existence.
Isn’t there an obvious instinctual drive
revealed in all of this? Does this not
suggest we are wired to look for nourishment beyond our mundane world? Does it not imply we are seeking a
way to transcend our daily lives? Are we
not pursuing worth…meaning…immortality? It
seems pretty obvious to me.
The
alphabet…
As a child I was taught an alphabet of ideas. These notions seemed unconnected at the time,
but were planted with deliberation and love by my parents. Seeds of thought rooted in the fertile,
sometimes not so fertile, soil of my mind.
They were cultivated by curiosity and faith. The teachings did not create the hunger for eternal
existence; rather they provided a framework to which I could return again and
again, when there seemed no hope. They
wove themselves into a narrative of experience that both pushed (based on
success) and pulled (inspired) me forward to the unknown.
What has emerged over many decades is an
understanding, gleaned from patterns that seemed to repeat themselves again and
again. Small signposts along the way
that appeared with enough frequency, even I could not help but see them.
What began as curiosity and faith on the
empty tablet of my life has developed into an understanding that has fed my
hunger for more, and increased my appetite for what’s next. As a child I only knew by experience there
would be something next as long as I had breath.
Now? I have, by experience, no doubt there
is a next…a way out…much more than a singular journey on this planet.
Where’s
the beef?
There is little I can speak to regarding
the life journey taken by others. I can
only be certain what has resonated with me, and evidence I consider to be empirical
to my life’s excursion. The journey to date, has been/is
enough for me to genuinely look forward to the completion of my ‘tour of duty on planet
earth.’ In the language of military
service overseas, I am “…getting short,” meaning there is less time left than
what I have lived.
While this is surely not an exhaustive list
of observations that have brought me to this place in the middle of my sixth
decade, they represent the less subtle ones.
1. Instinct for survival: Everything
inside me, to this present moment has been built on an instinct to survive and grow. It is a drive that has gotten me out of bed
every day of my life. In the early
years, it was just showing up for the day.
In latter decades it has been the rhythm of ‘fatigue and refreshment’ that
has allowed me to satisfy my seemingly boundless curiosity. Why should this life-long process exist
for a brief cosmic moment? It seems like
a lot of creative programming on someone’s part for a meaningless flash of
existence.
2. Conscience: A follow to the preceding item. I was taught
right from wrong as a child, but the internal value judgment to accept or
reject those teachings were mine alone to make.
Conscience cannot be measured by moral nor religious teachings. It may be augmented, but not legislated by them.
Some of the most moral, principled and
conscience driven people known to me, have had little to no religious teachings
or experiences. Atticus Finch in To Kill
a Mockingbird tells Scout, his daughter, conscience is the one thing that
is not accountable to public opinion. Conscience
is as intimate and personal a thing as there is, and to me its ‘ringing alarm’ is
more than some complex brain chemistry. Its
existence and ability to adapt to specific situations suggests to me interaction with a greater intelligence.
3. Freedom: Where does the desire
for freedom come from? There is no law giving
one freedom. Yet, the desire for it is inside all of us. This suggests it is
hardwired regardless of culture, gender, education or language. Not everyone is free, but everyone desires to
be so. The larger freedom we desire is
to escape death. This suggests to me, we
inherently understand there is more to ‘life’ than our day-to-day “…if by
reason of strength they be fourscore years…” of existence.
4. Timelessness: This is a state of consciousness – spiritual
transcendence – that, for me has come either through the experience of love or disciplined
practice. It is a ‘place’ where I am so
pre-occupied with the task at hand that time passes as though it simply did not
exist. It is not that I necessarily pursue it, but rather I am drawn to it like a
moth to the flame. It is as powerful and
unrelenting as gravity, and when I am in that place – nothing else exists. In fact, I would rather be in ‘no time’ than
anything else I can think of. Hunger for
‘no time’ suggests the desire for living eternally where time, as we know it –
I am certain – does not exist.
5. Nature experiences: A sunset…sunrise…star filled night sky…the vastness
of the ocean or deserts or mountains. Sometimes
when seeing these astonishing phenomenon, I feel at once totally insignificant
and completely connected to a larger living universe of
which I am a part. In those
moments, I feel a sense of overwhelming immortality.
The
point?
I suppose in life we “…see what we look for,
and find what we know…” So it is quite plausible I am looking for reasons
beyond simple faith to believe that there is “…life without end, Amen.” On the other hand, isn’t simply believing enough? For me the answer is
no. As my journey has unfolded, the great, unanswered
question remains what’s next?
The answer, of course, is I don’t exactly
know. I mean, I do not know the exact
character of what comes next.
What I do know is this. There is a next, and I am in the process of preparing for heading home…for now that is more than enough for me.
- ted
Simply beautiful, Ted.
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