Sunday, May 31, 2015

The womb of self-content…

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow mindedness,
and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts…”
Samuel L. Clemens, The innocents Abroad

His name is Sam and that is about as good a place to start as any.

There were a lot of them over the years - youngsters, who seemed to have unlimited promise, and others who appeared to be quite content to be…well, just to be.

Most of the kids were compliant making the work fairly easy and there were a few from time to time who seemed to always find mischief hiding around a corner or two, causing our work to be a little more challenging.

“LP” was my partner – the ‘L’ standing for ‘Lloyann’ and the ‘P’ her last name – and for more than two decades, we were a team, managing a church youth group. During those years, we spent a fair number of nights camping out – complete with adolescent nocturnal sounds…days riding roller coasters or canoe floating on rivers…evenings enjoying outdoor Broadway musical theatre and a ton of time just trying to keep track of everyone.  'Elp' (my nick name for my partner) was short and I tall, so I would generally take the lead in a crowd so the kids could see me, and she followed like a mother hen squiring any ‘chicks’ that slipped away from the group.

Sam was one of those kids.

He was a bright-eyed four-year old when we met. A quiet kid with an alert set of eyes that always seemed to be looking for something different…something more.  I was drawn to him, because optimism seemed to drift off him like gentle smoke from the embers of a campfire just right for hot dogs or chocolate, marshmallow and graham cracker s’mores.  I never heard him complain, be argumentative or disruptive… he was just different with a twinkle in his eye suggesting he knew something you didn’t.


The boy didn’t draw attention to himself, but there was an undercurrent of energy that compelled a certain amount of notice, and when he was focused, there was little doubt he was completely absorbed…whether it was Pokémon with his friend Matt or earning Boy Scout merit badges that led to him becoming an Eagle Scout…you could count on his attention and intent to succeed.


The thing about this young man is that you had little doubt the trajectory of his life was going to be big – big in this case, meaning for him…by his standards.  After high school, he went on to college to learn interactive digital media, worked for some time designing video games, traveled around the Western U.S., got some inspiration and headed for Korea where he taught school, traveled 
through Asia and honed what had become fairly formidable skills in Team Frisbee. Yeah, team frisbee...a young man in flight! A great metaphor for life...his life!

Over the years, I have traveled and written a travelogue that I send home every few days. It began by sending emails to a woman in a rural Missouri community where I attended church, and over the years has grown to about 150 people…Sam is on that list.

When Sam was younger, I told him it would be great to travel together sometime when he got a little older. My real interest was to expose him to the broader world in which we live…to encourage him to widen his peripheral vision as much as possible…to let him appreciate that life is much more and much different than he might expect.

Actually, I did this with a number of the youth in my church group over the years, but whether it was my influence or not, Sam has reached out and embraced the world…he has taken a position on the ‘bow of the ship’ in his life and felt the wind in his face…emerging from the womb of self-content…opening doors, behind which he does not know what to expect and in many ways said, “Bring it on life!”

Sam and I have written some since those early days, and when I get a personal email from him, it has always been great. The method by which I now keep up with him, however…his travelogue of sorts…is his Facebook page…the anonymous ‘keeper upper.’

They say success is passing on the passion you feel for the things that drive you and bring you satisfaction. There is little doubt many of us find great fulfillment in our work, but for me, it has been the ‘things around the edges’ that have brought the greatest gratification to my life…the small things…the touches from other people along the way. Traveling and meeting the ‘yet unknown’ brings richness to the streets and byways of the world in which I live. 

Keeping tabs on Sam’s life has been like watching the changing nuances of sunlight against the face of a mountain as the day progresses; there is always something new…something before unseen…that adds a new sense of appreciation in the passing of the day.  While sunset is not a terribly far distance for me, Sam is in the late morning of his life…the sky is clear, the sun bright with much more to see and explore.


I have little doubt he will.

- ted

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Comings and goings...

“The beginning is the most
important part of the work.”
- Plato

Dear Coen,

It was just great to see you today. You are nearly a month old by now, and when I expanded the video feed on my big screen, you were pretty much life size.

Your head was flopping around and it was clear that while your mum was looking into the camera lens, your gaze had the appearance of someone pre-occupied with the nature of the universe, oblivious to anyone or anything nearby.

I know you had not drifted too far away, because you got hungry during the call and headed for the nearest restaurant, which by the way was well within reach as you lay in your mother’s arms.

I have also got to say, I resonated with those uninhibited metabolic sounds you were making on the ‘other end’ of things. Early in the conversation – that would be between your mother and me – a sound emerged that was so familiar and robust, it could have been me. Yes, my young friend, we are definitely related!

It wasn’t long, however, before your face got a serious look, turned a little red and focused and you…ah….hmmm, how best to say this…you finished your business.

For the next few moments you and your mother disappeared from the screen, and while we still had audio contact, your ‘linens’ were being refreshed out of sight, not out of mind!!

Once all of that stuff had been done and you did a little spitting up – in as appropriate a manner as a youngster of your breeding might do – you wrapped your little arms around as much of your mother as possible and promptly went to sleep!

It wasn’t long after that when your mother and I finished up and put a semi-colon to our chin wagging – to be continued the next time we spoke.

A little reflection…
In a few weeks I will have traveled the planet for 68 years – you about a month and a half – completely oblivious, I might add, to my existence.  Molly and I will come to meet you in the not too distant future and look forward to a more formal introduction.  I suspect that by the time you associate me with something more than a casual inquisitive and occasional visitor, I will be in my 70s.

It is strange, in some ways, for you will only know me as an older fellow with whom you play, and giggle and hopefully look forward to seeing when the opportunity arises.

While you are actively engaged with the business of growing up, I will be actively slowing down in the business of growing old.  I want you to know, I am looking forward to both!

I suppose there will be moments of melancholy for me knowing that I might not be on the planet for your high school graduation or college or the years with which you will make your way through life.  It would be a gift indeed to find you as an adult and enjoy a meaningful conversation or two.  Ah, you will, however have many meaningful conversations as the future rushes toward you.

We, you and I, will simply have to make the best of the time we have. I will, of course, have the advantage of seeing both of our trajectories – ascending and descending…as it relates to me, you will, of course only be aware of the latter.

I hope this is only one of many letters I write as you are growing up and during the years we have with one another. I would like to see them kept in a place of safety until you are older and can appreciate the depth of love I feel for you. 


I look forward to holding you in my arms in the coming days and beginning the journey you and I will take, as long as we are able…

- ted

Sunday, May 17, 2015

I didn't have them all at once...

When you encourage others, you in the process
are encouraged because you’re making a
commitment and difference in that
person’s life. Encouragement
really does make a difference.
Zig Zigler, See you at the top

I’ve known Scott and Genny for decades, and over the years we have been good friends…you know the kind…warm, comfortable, few barriers…real good friends.

Over those years, they have had four children – that would be four girls – who find themselves in various stages of migration from childhood to young adult, facing the approaching future with optimism and strength. Raised in a cauldron of faith and loving support, they have been prepared for the challenges of life that will bring successes, failures and the resiliency to get up when knocked down – one of the great gifts caring parents can give.

There is a certain mayhem that comes with raising small children each of who have different needs and interests. When the girls were young, I found myself in awe at the calm with which Genny seemed to manage, what appeared to me to be, an ongoing series of adolescent Chinese fire drills.

Once when the girls were in various stages of ‘childrenhood’ I asked her how she managed to do this while at the same time providing for their individual curiosities and expectations.

With a gently winsome smile, a knowing look tied to unknown millennia of motherhood, and a wisp of blond hair dangling along the side of her face, she replied, “I didn’t have them all at once.”

By now, two of these young women have left home and begun their journeys to adulthood as they face the future with energy and a sparkle in their eyes – the horizon of the unknown clearly in their sights.

Little happens by accident…
There are a number of deliberate things Scott and Genny do with their girls, one in which I have been privileged to participate. During the girls’ 16th year, a small number of friends are asked to participate in a mentoring program – the task pretty straightforward: Spend time with the girl and share one lesson they might be able to slip into their life tool kit.

With McKay and PJ under my belt in prior years, it was Quinn’s turn to step into the batter’s box for the single pitch I had to throw…the single idea that might find its way, straight and true into the fertile soil of her heart.

Tip for Quinn…
We headed out for dinner, just the two of us, to explore the universe and each other’s minds. One of the reasons I think I find resonance with young people is that I don’t look at them as young people. I consider them fellow journeymen, simply occupying a different ‘time in service’ and position on the trail of life. I am also quite interested in what they think, like and feel.

After reconnecting and catching up, we began the prepared life lesson.

In life, over what do we have control? The answer, of course is not much…or conversely, everything! Hmmm…

The ‘not much’ is actually quite a bit. For example we can’t control our friends, job, health, home, transportation (if we drive or ride) – not mention the myriad of things with which we interact on a daily basis.  In fact, we have no control over the time we live. All of these things can be taken away or lost, in many cases with unexpected swiftness.

The ‘everything’ on the other hand has to do with the world in which we really live – our minds! The things we can control are actually the only things that really count and the way we shape our worlds. It is no mystery…we can control the ideas and thoughts we accept through the portals of consciousness and the opinions created from those thoughts.

Most things come into our minds pretty much enter ‘single file,’ and most of what comes out happens the same way – ‘single file.’ What happens when all of those things get into the washing machine of our brains?? Now that is where the magic happens!

Who knows how consciousness actually operates…how the connections are made…why some things take priority and others not…perhaps some day it will be understood, but for now they fall into the great unknown of the ‘…what is…’

We are seldom able to control the circumstances into which we are thrust, but we can control the way we respond and/or think about them; it is surprising how many people do not know this.  It seemed that a soon to be 16 year old might find the idea worth considering – if not now…later, ‘cause my job was only to plant the seed.


The metaphor presented to her was a target…a target where she (her mind…her world) was center point. Each concentric circle represented things that might influence her life…people, circumstance, events and so forth – at a variety of distances from her in day-to-day life.

As we talked about the things that she reacts to, we used the ‘target’ to see where they might lie. I was surprised at how quickly she was able to see the further things lay from the center of the target, the less control she had, and how time wasted on them was not helpful.

I have little expectation my young friend will make this a living part of her mind in the very near future, but I know this…seeds that are NOT planted never have the opportunity go grow. How and when that happens, I have no idea, but spending a little time with this bright and thoughtful girl, suggested when she recognizes the need and slips her ‘hand’ into the took kit, the idea will serve her well.

- ted

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Sometimes it's better to receive...

“By grace ye are saved through faith:
and that not of yourselves:
it is the gift of God.”
Eph 2:8-9, Bible

“I'm so glad you like the album.  It means a lot to know that it means something...you know what I mean? :),” She texted

“I do – it does,” I typed in return.

It was brief and rich, and connected, and good!

This small interchange came after I mentioned to my niece, Nancy Ellen, how I continue be touched by a CD she and her band produced last year. ‘The Pushovers’ is their name – they are anything but – and some cuts on ‘Falling for it,’ simply transport me away.

You could say I like the album because this young woman is related to me – you might be somewhat correct, but mostly you would be wrong. I like/love this album, because it is hard and soft and strong and gentle…a reflection of the minds and lives of the three women who find themselves compelled to write and play and sing and (thankfully for me) record their music.

Back ground to the point…
Growing up in a minister’s home carried with it a unique set of life behavioral guidelines. Minister’s children often find themselves a little more in the public eye than other kids, at least to the members of the congregation…sometimes in a broader community context.

Our family’s guidelines were few, but clear:

Be friendly and loving.

Learn to notice little things about people that you might find ways to compliment.

Listen when other people are talking and try not to interrupt them.

Never…NEVER…N-E-V-E-R talk about the internal affairs of the family!

Be careful to not give away too much personally.

Do not draw attention to yourself – if you have a gift, remember where and from whom it came.

Humility is the antidote to pride – and if there were a truth to be told, pride is a cancer to the human spirit.


Written on paper, these ideas seem to lack warmth, but they were taught in the context of an amazingly supportive and loving family. 

The “…internal affairs…” had to do with hard lessons learned in the arena of church politics. When religious people believe they are right they exceed social politics, because they suppose God is on their side – little doubt, many things done in the name of religious conviction have been anything but godly.

My parents taught these principles to their children for protection because of the experience they had throughout years of pastoral leadership…a reflection of the Graham Nash lyric:
“Teach your children well,
their father’s hell did slowly go by,
 and feed them on your dreams,
the one they fix, the one you know by…”

The thing about routine…habit and practiced, practical armor…is that it becomes so much a part of you that it seems to be you – rather than something acquired along the way. Over time it becomes ‘the familiar…the known’ and hard to change…hard to take off.  Like a shirt put on in the morning…no longer noticeable.

Over the years, repetition embeds things so deeply that like the letters of the alphabet, one forgets where and how they were learned…they simply become part of life’s narrative.

The plot thickens…
Somewhere in the mid-seventies, I joined a spiritual community and for 30 subsequent years lived with and among some of the most interesting and loveliest human beings I have ever known. Most experiences and life lessons acquired with this body of people made my life’s journey immeasurably richer.

A thing or two weren’t so good, one of which was taking my family’s teaching of personal protectiveness to a new level. Our community taught it was not good to accept personal thanks for any reason. If someone were to express appreciation for some small thing, the response should be: “Thank God”

If saying, “Thank God” out loud was too ‘off putting’ to the person, then to ‘protect’ oneself, one should think, Thank God.  I did not realize minimizing or deflecting an expression of thanks robbed the person from the full satisfaction of their feelings of gratitude. I knew how to be thankful and give thanks, but did not know how to receive it…something I could not see.

Obi-Wan Kenobi…
I’m married to a pretty smart woman…as she knows, I have a weakness for strong smart women…she is both!  She also knows, on many things, I am a slow learner and peeling away protective armor requires wisdom and timing…she has both!

One of the things she noticed was my hesitance to fully accept people’s thanks.

For example:
“Ted, thanks for helping me with the slides for my presentation,” Bill might say.

“No big deal man,” my response. “I’ve been doing this a long time and I’m just passing along the things I’ve learned from others.”

The internal narrative – Don’t thank me, thank God.

An iteration of what Molly might later say,

“Why didn’t you just say – glad I could help – and openly accept Bill’s appreciation? Telling him you were only passing on what you have learned robbed you from being able to fully accept his appreciation and kept him from feeling that open acceptance.”

“You might even consider,” she would continue, “fully accepting a person’s thanks IS thanking God!”

She was, of course, right!

The thing about being strong, smart, wise and having good timing has everything to do with knowing “…when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em…” Like gently dropping water on a rough edged stone, I have finally gotten the idea fully incorporated into my life, and have been amazed how good it feels.

I have come to appreciate with a little help it is very possible to even “…teach old dogs new tricks…” and bring value to life.


“It means a lot to know it means something…you know what I mean? :)

- ted