I 'heard' the news today oh boy...

“It’s interesting that we take for companions, creatures

we know we will outlive.  Those gentle souls who

bring us comfort and so much more

than we often can express.” 

- Anonymous 

4:45 AM. 

The drill goes something like this.

- Consciousness emerges

- Feet hit the floor

- Same feet into slippers

- Shuffle to the kitchen and turn on coffee

- Turn off house alarm

- Open home office door and turn on computer

- Head for the litter box to remove deposits left by the girls over night

By now the coffee is ready and the computer warmed up.  Hot java in hand, it’s to the office for some quiet time and preparation for the day ahead.  I sit on the small couch, prop up my feet, open the iPad, sip a little coffee and look around.

On cue, Leah wanders into the office, gives me ‘the look’ of total disinterest, glances around the room as if searching for something, considering her options for anything…anyone rather than acknowledging that I have any meaning! 

“Come on up girl,” I say.

I get a second expression suggesting, “I’m sorry, but do you even belong in this room?” A little time passes and then as if responding to some signal known only to her, she hops to the padded footstool, walks up my legs, plops herself down, turns on her purring machine and quietly settles into the morning routine of coffee, overnight emails, a brief scan of the headlines, an hour or so of reading, and most importantly for her, gentle petting and ear scratching!

We both know this is a game! 

The headlines this morning were a mixed bag of news, sports and entertainment, ranging from disappointed Olympian hopefuls, abandoned entertainers, and ‘in the real world’ the loss of life in Kiev and that of a little ten year old girl kidnapped and murdered by someone she did not know and who did not know her...so much to process.

What to do?

Life is complicated and much competes for our attention and feelings.  In order to cope with this, I try to focus only on those things over which I have control… thoughts I accept into my mind and the opinions and actions resulting from them.

While it is impossible with any certainty to control much else in life, our behavior can have meaning as we interact with people we love and others around us, which brings me to this morning.

The morning continues…

Somewhere, near the halfway or three-quarter mark of my reading hour, I hear someone stirring in the house.  Since just two humans live here, it would be Molly (not much gets by me).

While I am not completely certain of her exact routine, there is typically a “Good morning!  Did you sleep well?” as she passes my door to the kitchen and dining room.  I usually hear a bit of shuffling around, part of which involves her getting coffee, and the sound of her computer starting up.

Today near the end of my usual prep time I heard, “Oh my…oh no!”  Then I heard her softly crying.  I slipped into the dining room.  She looked up and said, “Michael put Tiger down this morning.” 

Over the next hour we shared sorrow together over the loss of a cat that had been her mother’s faithful companion for a decade, and when Mary died last March, adopted by her brother Michael living in Philadelphia.

How Tiger developed the fungal tumor on his nose is not clear, but it slowly grew until it began to seriously impede his ability to breathe.  Michael, who currently has two other cats and is no stranger in saying goodbye to others over the years, had done everything he could.  Tiger was the most vocal and affectionate of his cats, and Michael struggled as so many of us do with the responsibility taking of another life, particularly one that had given so much.

Early in the morning, he took Tiger to the University of Pennsylvania Veterinary Emergency Room.  The Vet agreed with him that it was time.  Michael, with an aching heart, held that loving little creature in his arms as Tiger slipped away.

While it is always traumatic event to end the life of a one that has given so much, Tiger represented so much more.  In many ways for Michael, Molly and their other brother Mark, Tiger’s death symbolized the loss of a living and last loving link to their mother Mary.

Tomorrow morning the routine will begin as it did this day.  When Leah and I play out the dance to which we have become so accustomed, I will think about Tiger.  I will appreciate the little creature purring on my lap as I pet and scratch her ears with a little more tenderness.

- ted

Passing the baton…

“..a good education and sound bringing up is of the first,

middle and last importance, and I declare it to be

most instrumental and conducive to virtue

and happiness.”

Plutarch, Plutarch’s Morals

As the runner turns the corner giving it his all, another waits in the tiny 22 yard (20m) passing zone.  Timing and total focus is everything as the receiving sprinter charges forward expecting the baton to be placed smoothly into his open hand.  If all goes well, both racers will be at top speed as the transfer happens in full stride…safely within the zone. 

The thing about the passing zone track is this:  If you stand and look at it, it seems a more than an adequate space within which to hand off and receive the baton.  If you are running the race, however, it is exceedingly short and passes “…in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye…”

There is little more beautiful to watch in track and field than runners seamlessly exchanging a baton.  It happens quickly, one runner spent…the other heading off, full tilt, on their leg of the race.  If done correctly the team of runners appears to be one, and before you know it the race is over. 

The exchange means everything…races are won or lost in the passing of the baton.

She was home…

We had a wonderful weekend together.  Mariah is in the last rotation of medical school, and as providence would have it, she is working on a Navajo Indian Reservation in New Mexico, a scant six and a half hour drive from Tucson.  At the end of her first week she hopped in the car and came home.

We played, hiked, lifted weights, and as is our custom, simply enjoyed each other’s company.  Busy or not…it really didn’t matter…proximity – that’s what counted. 

It is like that with close friends and family, isn’t it?  As it turns out, we are fortunate to be family and close friends.

This trip, however, was more than just a few days together; it was the weekend before the date of my sister’s death.  Wednesday was coming…we knew it, but said little to each other about it…we didn’t need to.

Wednesday, February twelve…

The Facebook post was short and thoughtfully written.  A photo accompanied the note.  One face brightly smiling, the other unfocused with little resemblance to the sparkling young woman.  Not that many years earlier, the vacant staring woman’s eyes also sparkled as the younger woman; looking at one of those pictures there would be little doubt they were mother and daughter.  When together there was NO doubt they were mother and daughter.

“Two years ago today I lost my mother and best friend to early-onset Alzheimer's disease. She was my person, and not a day goes by that I am not influenced by the things she taught me. Mama, your death was not in vain. We will figure out how to end this terrible disease, I promise. I love you to the sky and down.”

“I love you to the sky and down….” – words resonating through the decades of my life.  When I read the last line of that post, I did not hear Mariah’s voice, or her mother’s – my sister Nancy – from whom she learned this loving expression.  I heard the voice of my mother who inoculated her children with this phrase again and again and again and again.  I remember as a child looking up at the clouds and thinking, “That is a really long way!  How do you get up there? How do you get down?”  Even then I suspected there was no end to the sky, and I surely knew there was no end to my mother’s love.

A successful race indeed…

Reading Mariah’s words also reminded how much life is like that relay race.  It’s all about the exchanges, isn’t it?  If we have purpose in life, it is to pass along what we have learned to our children and others with whom we share proximity in those ever so brief exchange zones of life. 

I thought about a mother afraid she did not have what it took to raise this child.  I watched as she practiced the exchange with her daughter in the big moments and the small that came and went.  I watched as Nancy ended her journey in the most unpredictable of ways.  What seemed a leisurely pace in youth became blazingly fast as she finished her course.

The baton?  She slipped it lovingly and firmly into her daughter’s hand so deliberately, so smoothly, so thoughtfully at just the right moment that the transition was flawless…one runner finished her leg of the race as the other sped forward into life.

Yes indeed…“There is little more beautiful to watch…” in life “…than runners seamlessly exchanging a baton.”

 - ted

Gravity, not just a good idea...it's the law

“You can break the law and pay the price,

 but bending it is not an option.”

- Anonymous

"Gravity is not just a good idea, it's the law!"

A fellow, named Gerry Mooney coined this phrase in 1977, while in Tulsa Oklahoma during the American gas crisis.  He saw an ad campaign on television that said, “The 55 mph speed limit.  It isn’t a good idea.  It’s the law!”  It inspired him to change the words “…speed limit…” to gravity.   His gravity phrase has now appeared in an uncountable number of places, mostly attributed to “… - anonymous…”

This phrase got me to thinking about other things.  For example:

          Heartbeats are not a good idea, they are the law

          Breathing is not a good idea, it is the law

          Digestion is not a good idea, it is the law

These are examples of what philosophers call ‘natural law’ which some say is the ‘order of the universe.’  They describe the unavoidable “…what is…” in opposition to the “…nice if it were…” 

Many things in our daily lives come under the natural law such as the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we produce, but we take them for granted, because they…well, because they simply are part of the universal order to which we unconsciously adhere.  It is only when we find ourselves at the edges of the law we notice its reality, for example when we fall (gravity) or when our health fails in some way (i.e. heart, breathing or digestive problems). 

I’ve been thinking about another part of the natural law, and that is the event toward which we began traveling the day of our birth…the unavoidable end of our lives.  I’ve been thinking about how so many of us fear the loss of life, because we perceive it as theft of what we have and know, and because we have no idea what lies beyond, if anything at all.   While death is as much a part of the natural law as gravity…the beating of our heart…the breaths we take…the digestion that helps nutrient absorption…it seems to fall into a different category in our thought process.

Why is it we view death differently than other parts of the law we readily and almost unconsciously accept?  Why is it that we embrace, “From dust thou art…” and resist “…to dust thou shalt return…?” 

At birth we knew nothing, and consequently did not fear the unknown…we just slipped to the planet’s surface and began the expedition.  Why should we not simply embrace death as part of the process and celebrate its approach as much as anything else along the way?  After all, it is a pretty big event in our lives.  The argument could be made that it is as exciting (if I might use that word) a marker as the entrance we made at birth!  I mean, at birth all was unknown and the tablet was blank.  At death, no matter the length of our lives, the diary has stuff written all over it!

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of reasons. 

The first is that this week marks the death of my younger sister Nancy.  It was February 12^th, 2012 when breath left her.  We were there at the end, and as is the parting ways with someone you love, the experience was both painful and exquisite – painful because this soul with whom we had shared so much slipped from our grasp as a dream dissolves with the coming of a new day…exquisite because being with her in life and sharing her last moments, provided a kind of closure I had not expected.  Her birth represented only a diversion of attention from me to her in our household.  Her death carried for me the experience of being in the complete life cycle of another human being.  An experience I have had with no other…and will probably never have again.

The other reason is that my last breath is approaching, in small, yet clearly discernable increments.  In the early, middle and even these latter years, I didn’t think much about my own death.  I should hasten to add, I do not give it an undue amount of thought, but I have drawn some deliberate conclusions about its impending appearance in my life.

“…in my life…” an odd way to express the end, but then again the ending of the cycle is as natural (natural law) as everything experienced from the first gasp of air in to the last expression of air out.  It is all about the ‘cycle,’ and that brings me to why I do not fear death, but in the most fascinating (to me) of ways look forward, with a kind of curiosity, to its arrival.

It is simply that cycles are just that…they end only to begin again…breathe in, breathe out – the small breaths that keep us alive moment to moment – each breath out a kind of death, as each breath in represents the next moment of life. 

I have no doubt in the BIG cycle of BREATH (breath in at birth…breath out at death) is also just that…a cycle from which the next life experience is renewed.  I have no doubt my sister’s BIG BREATH was a cycle from which she emerged into the next cycle, and I have no doubt it will be that way for me…hence the curiosity, not fear with which I look forward to the application of the natural law in my life.

It is not just that I accept by faith the ‘hope’ instilled in me that there is a better place after this life.  It is not just because I have been told that in my “…Father’s house are many mansions…” 

I embrace this, because you see, the cycle of life…the ‘CYCLE’ of life is not just a good idea…it is the law!

- ted

A little push now and then...

 “Two are better than one; because they

have a good reward for their labour.

For if they fall, the one will

lift up  his fellow…”

- Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, Bible

“Let’s get going in the next 15 minutes.” 

I was working on my weekly blog…one of those weeks where it was only Thursday and it was nearly finished.  I appreciate that when it happens.

Her voice broke into my head a little like a daydream interrupted by an unexpected wakening.  For a second or two, the continuity of the moment was discordant.

My first thought, “Next 15 minutes?  What the heck are you talking about?”   That’s what I thought; what I said was, “Okay hon, where was that we are going again?” 

The deal…

Molly had gotten a meal coupon for the ‘Fox & Hound’ Sports Bar/Restaurant and thought we should take a break sometime this week for lunch.  In fact, I had known we were going to do this, but my mind was elsewhere and the whole event had gotten away from me.

The ‘Fox & Hound’ is a place where the University of Missouri Alumni meet for afternoon football or basketball games when the teams are playing on television.  We are alumni and have made a game or two.

We don’t get to sports bars often, but they almost always intrigue me.  There are huge television screens with different games, sports interviews and sometimes music videos all playing at the same time.  The thing so strange is with everything showing on the screens, there is NO VOLUME!  “No volume” would not be exactly true; because there is always music playing that requires talking above normal conversational tones.  For the most part people eat finger foods – chicken wings, burgers, fries – drink beer and talk while watching their favorite teams play.  If a large enough group’s team scores or has a good play, loud cheers erupt, the volume of which is in direct proportion to the amount of beer they have been drinking!

As it turns out; Molly noticed just before leaving the house, the coupon had expired two days earlier.  I wasn’t too keen to make the drive because of the writing, but I have learned over 35 years of marriage, small concessions often pay off in significant familial dividends.  So, with outward enthusiasm and a somewhat sense of internal reluctance, off we went.

The place…

We were running a bit late, but made it just in time for lunch.  I expected a packed and noisy restaurant, but as it turned out the place was pretty empty…a pleasant surprise.  Taking a high-4 top table with stools we could rest our feet on, our waitress showed up, asked us what we were drinking and headed off to bring them back.  By the time she returned we were ready to order. 

“What’s your name?” I asked as she finished taking Molly’s Fish & Chips and my Pretzel Bun roasted turkey sandwich requests. 

“Kalifa,” she said. 

“How do you spell that?  With a ‘C’ or ‘K’,” I asked. 

“With a ‘K’,” she replied with a smile, and was off to the kitchen with the order.

Lunch was excellent, and I was beginning to think Molly had made a good decision to eat here, even though I had not really been ‘in the game.’  Kalifa was great; replenished our drinks without having to ask, each time adding a winning smile.  There was little doubt she knew her job well.

When she brought the check, and we paid the bill, I asked her, “How long have you been working here?”  “Oh, about a year,” She replied. 

She was pretty young, I was guessing somewhere in her early 20s.  “What do you want to do with your life?”  I continued.

I often ask young people just to get a sense of the kind of vision they have for their lives. 

While Kalifa had been more than pleasant as a server, when I asked her this question, she simply radiated.

“I want to be in casting for a career,” she literally bubbled. 

She had gotten her college degree at Arizona with an emphasis in Arts, Media and Entertainment, and her dream was to identify talent and cast them into production work.  Following an internship in casting at the Black Entertainment Television (BET) network in Los Angeles, she knew this is what she wanted to do with her life.  Working in the sports bar?  Well, one does what they have to do…right?

Providence, you have got to love it…

It just so happens, we have a friend who owns a casting company in Los Angeles! 

I told Kalifa about our friend and provided her with the contact information.  Her excitement was tangible as I wrote down the email contact.

She said, “You know, I was going to leave work early today because it was slow.  Something made me stay to take your table.”

While I am not the sharpest tack in the box, it began to dawn on me there was a reason, more than just having lunch at the Fox & Hound, afoot here.  I had been distracted by my earlier writing and wasn’t ‘listening.’  Molly, on the other hand ‘was’ and here we were in this cosmic moment of confluence!

Quick review…

Molly felt strongly enough about going to lunch that she put up with my, “Okay hon, where was that we are going again?” comment.  If I thought I was being clever…she knew I hadn't been listening!

We got there just in time for the end of the lunch hour.

Kalifa was going to leave work early, but decided to stay on.

Her desire in life was to work in casting.

We knew someone who was extremely successful in the business.

If you follow this blog at all, you know this is the sort of thing that adds an almost inexpressible joy in these meaningful and unexpected life experiences. 

It is often the bigger things that seem to grab the attention…a paper published…an opportunity to speak somewhere... organizations in which to serve…and yet, if I were to be honest, it is events like this one with Kalifa that I find the most gratifying. 

The bigger things require scheduling and time set aside for preparation.  Kalifa, on the other hand, could NEVER have been planned.  There are simply too many moving parts…too many unknowns…too many mysteries of the universe to consider. 

Yet come they do…  They come in the unexpected…in the openness of saying yes in the moment, reminding us that we are not alone and are all part of the fabric of life and humanity.  Perhaps they come because we need to be reminded how both fragile and robust life is…I can’t say. 

What I can say is this; sometimes these impending and unknown experiences require a team effort.  When we don’t have our antenna tuned to events in which we are supposed to participate, we might need a nudge to get us to listen.

“Let’s get going in the next 15 minutes.” 

Thanks Moll…

- ted