Sometimes it's better to receive...

“By grace ye are saved through faith:

and that not of yourselves:

it is the gift of God.”

Eph 2:8-9, Bible

“I'm so glad you like the album.  It means a lot to know that it means something...you know what I mean? :),” She texted

“I do – it does,” I typed in return.

It was brief and rich, and connected, and good!

This small interchange came after I mentioned to my niece, Nancy Ellen, how I continue be touched by a CD she and her band produced last year. ‘The Pushovers’ is their name – they are anything but – and some cuts on ‘Falling for it,’ simply transport me away.

You could say I like the album because this young woman is related to me – you might be somewhat correct, but mostly you would be wrong. I like/love this album, because it is hard and soft and strong and gentle…a reflection of the minds and lives of the three women who find themselves compelled to write and play and sing and (thankfully for me) record their music.

Back ground to the point…

Growing up in a minister’s home carried with it a unique set of life behavioral guidelines. Minister’s children often find themselves a little more in the public eye than other kids, at least to the members of the congregation…sometimes in a broader community context.

Our family’s guidelines were few, but clear:

Be friendly and loving.

Learn to notice little things about people that you might find ways to compliment.

Listen when other people are talking and try not to interrupt them.

Never…NEVER…N-E-V-E-R talk about the internal affairs of the family!

Be careful to not give away too much personally.

Do not draw attention to yourself – if you have a gift, remember where and from whom it came.

Humility is the antidote to pride – and if there were a truth to be told, pride is a cancer to the human spirit.

Written on paper, these ideas seem to lack warmth, but they were taught in the context of an amazingly supportive and loving family. 

The “…internal affairs…” had to do with hard lessons learned in the arena of church politics. When religious people believe they are right they exceed social politics, because they suppose God is on their side – little doubt, many things done in the name of religious conviction have been anything but godly.

My parents taught these principles to their children for protection because of the experience they had throughout years of pastoral leadership…a reflection of the Graham Nash lyric:

“Teach your children well,

their father’s hell did slowly go by,

 and feed them on your dreams,

the one they fix, the one you know by…”

The thing about routine…habit and practiced, practical armor…is that it becomes so much a part of you that it seems to be you – rather than something acquired along the way. Over time it becomes ‘the familiar…the known’ and hard to change…hard to take off.  Like a shirt put on in the morning…no longer noticeable.

Over the years, repetition embeds things so deeply that like the letters of the alphabet, one forgets where and how they were learned…they simply become part of life’s narrative.

The plot thickens…

Somewhere in the mid-seventies, I joined a spiritual community and for 30 subsequent years lived with and among some of the most interesting and loveliest human beings I have ever known. Most experiences and life lessons acquired with this body of people made my life’s journey immeasurably richer.

A thing or two weren’t so good, one of which was taking my family’s teaching of personal protectiveness to a new level. Our community taught it was not good to accept personal thanks for any reason. If someone were to express appreciation for some small thing, the response should be: “Thank God”

If saying, “Thank God” out loud was too ‘off putting’ to the person, then to ‘protect’ oneself, one should think, Thank God.  I did not realize minimizing or deflecting an expression of thanks robbed the person from the full satisfaction of their feelings of gratitude. I knew how to be thankful and give thanks, but did not know how to receive it…something I could not see.

Obi-Wan Kenobi…

I’m married to a pretty smart woman…as she knows, I have a weakness for strong smart women…she is both!  She also knows, on many things, I am a slow learner and peeling away protective armor requires wisdom and timing…she has both!

One of the things she noticed was my hesitance to fully accept people’s thanks.

For example:

“Ted, thanks for helping me with the slides for my presentation,” Bill might say.

“No big deal man,” my response. “I’ve been doing this a long time and I’m just passing along the things I’ve learned from others.”

The internal narrative – Don’t thank me, thank God.

An iteration of what Molly might later say,

“Why didn’t you just say – glad I could help – and openly accept Bill’s appreciation? Telling him you were only passing on what you have learned robbed you from being able to fully accept his appreciation and kept him from feeling that open acceptance.”

“You might even consider,” she would continue, “fully accepting a person’s thanks IS thanking God!”

She was, of course, right!

The thing about being strong, smart, wise and having good timing has everything to do with knowing “…when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em…” Like gently dropping water on a rough edged stone, I have finally gotten the idea fully incorporated into my life, and have been amazed how good it feels.

I have come to appreciate with a little help it is very possible to even “…teach old dogs new tricks…” and bring value to life.

“It means a lot to know it means something…you know what I mean? :)”

- ted