"Adults are obsolete children."
- Dr. Seuss
It’s part of the process…
The question inevitably materializes in youngster’s
minds. Maybe it isn’t clearly formed,
but as one’s self-awareness emerges, it surely comes. Early on we are distracted by colors, tastes,
textures and sounds. After all, there
are a lot of things for a newly arrived passenger to absorb after
stepping on to the platform of a new life after that nine-month journey that
takes us from…well from nothing to – something!
The question began to take shape when my mother disappeared
for a few days in my second year and returned with a small noisemaker in the
form of my new arrived sister.
Hmmm…where did she come from? At
first, and really for a couple of years, she was just another curiosity that
occupied space in my brave new world…there is a lot of stuff to learn when you
don’t know anything!
Eventually, I wondered, “Where the heck did she come from?” That led
in fairly quick order to a more important question, “Where the heck did I come
from?” So, I asked my mother. “Mum,
where did I come from?” I can almost
still feel that loving smile and the warm answer. “Well honey, your father and I prayed and
asked God to give us a little boy, and He brought you to us.”
I mean, I would ask my mother for things from time to time
and she would give them to me…so it seemed sort of natural…she wanted a little
boy; asked God to bring him around and here I was. She had given me the 50,000 foot view (15.2km)
of the story, and at the time it was just enough. She had avoided ‘the talk,’
and I went on exploring my brave new world.
Dad’s job…
‘The talk’ came several years later. I now appreciate my father was given the
assignment, one he would have preferred NOT to have had, but it was his
place…so he took it on. ‘The talk” about
how we really showed up on this planet.
In my ninth or 10th year, my father and I drove to Toronto
from Cleveland, Ohio together. It was unusual
for us to make this trip alone, but exciting for it to be just the
two of us. I’m not sure we ever had done
so. We didn’t say much, but somewhere
around Hamilton, Ontario he began, “Honey (he called me honey in those days),
there are some things we should talk about,” and the story began – you know,
the real story – no storks…no prayer… "…just the facts Ma’am, just the
facts…" He was uncomfortable, but the
task was made a little easier, because he didn’t have to look at me – he
drove…I looked out the window. There is
little I remember about his explanation of how children came into being. Surely there was love and prayer, but there was
more.
As he got to what I am certain was the most difficult part
of the discussion – you know, what goes where, how it works and what that means
– a large seagull crashed into the top of our windshield causing us both to
practically jump out of our skins. The
poor thing flopped over the top of the car, and when I turned to look out the
back window, it lay motionless on the pavement behind us. There is little doubt this did nothing to
ease my father’s discomfort. On the
other hand, it provided the perfect transition for him to quickly finish the
conversation and move on – which he did…assignment complete!
The funny thing about teaching is that it is best if a there
is a context. Discussions of attraction
and arousal and intercourse and conception and birth are generally helpful, IF
the person has any place to put the information. At ten, there is little context and frankly I
thought girls were a nuisance! Dad did
his duty and would be able to report to mother the deed was done. He asked if I had a question. No I didn’t, mostly because I was a little
uncertain exactly what he was talking about.
My turn…
Many years later I joined a spiritual community, and for
nearly three decades it occupied the central focus of my life. Over the years, in counseling folk, it became
clear that ‘the talk,’ more often than not, did NOT happen at all. As a consequence, the church felt it would be
profitable to provide a day’s seminar on sex education and reproductive
health. There were several health care
professionals in the ministry and we were charged with setting up a curriculum
for a Saturday seminar. The day came and
the congregation was divided into three groups – young children, teenagers and
adults.
The day was filled with films, handouts and presentations
regarding overviews of this important topic.
For parts of the seminar, the congregation was further divided by gender
in order that specific issues of hygiene could be discussed. The objective? Teach the material openly and
honestly. We had taken the
spiritual/public health initiative proactively believing the more the
congregation knew, the more knowledgeable responsibly people could take.
The day was a great success!
Then there was
Ashley…
The youngest children, somewhere between the ages of 5 and
10 had a shorter teaching time and were taught very basic ideas taken from
professional sources…the material geared to their ages. There were cartoon graphics and films designed
to help provide a context, with the underlying message that life should begin
in the framework motive of love.
The last item for their day was an anatomical model of a
pregnant woman’s torso. It opened up to
show the baby in its mother’s womb in the birth position. This was intended to cap the day…close the
loop…plant the seeds for future and deeper understanding.
Through their portion of the day, the children seemed engaged,
responding well to the age specific content.
I did the last presentation and then asked if they thought teaching had
been enjoyable. “Yes,” they exclaimed
with enthusiasm. They had liked all of
it. Mission accomplished! In some ways, I had been nervous about
teaching the little ones, not really being sure the material would have any
meaning. It had! Maybe I felt a little relief like my father
had when he had completed his task and I had not asked any questions. That was when Ashley raised her hand and
earnestly stated, “I thought we were going to be talking about sex!”
The best laid plans…
When my father decided to have ‘the talk’ with me, he didn’t
check to see what I knew or in what I might have had an interested. He simply did what he considered his duty to
be…and he did it in love. I didn’t have
any questions, because I had no frame of reference.
Years later I had the opportunity, to help create the
environment, and content for ‘the talk’ to a larger group. A lot of preparation went into the day and I
thought the program committee had done a pretty good job…until…until Ashley was
bold enough to say that in fact, we apparently hadn’t made our point, met her expectation,
or set a proper context. It was an
object lesson for me, because just like my father, I was focused on the message
and not clear about the need. This from
a little girl!
As I watched Ashley grow over the years and have a small
family of her own, I am reminded how important it is to speak your mind (her
example), and the importance of asking and listening, before acting - the lesson for me.
Thanks Ash…
- ted
Ha! I remember that day well ... and then there was the time I was teaching Michael V. (he at a very young age), and he was given the book of Matthew. Ah, the challenge of explaining the virgin conception to a very young boy. I doubt that I succeeded very well either. :-)
ReplyDeleteYes indeed! It is a lot different when you are in the game, than when you are watching the game. Virgins and 'the talk'...gotta love the opportunities...:-)
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