“See her how she flies golden sails across the sky
Close enough to touch but careful if you try
Though she looks as warm as gold
The moon’s a harsh mistress
The moon can be so cold.”
- Jimmy Web: Song writer
The moon’s a harsh mistress
This time she had a gun, dramatically changing the dynamics. You see, when you have a gun, AND the
authorities get involved…all of it – and I mean all of it – takes on a life of
its own.
There were a couple of police officers at the rear of her
home when we left in the early morning to exercise.
By the time we returned, there were nearly 100, a SWAT team in full
battle array carrying AR-15s, and the Bomb Squad…all focused on our friend
hoping, in the end, she could be talked down.
You see, when you have a gun, AND the authorities get
involved…all of it takes on a life of its own…
Another day…
The morning started like most. Turn on the coffee, feed the cats, get a cup
of coffee, sit and read for a while.
Actually, before the read, sometimes I check the overnight
news headlines and emails to see what the coming day might be bringing.
To: my email in
box - 6:04AM
“Ted, if I do not answer the door by late this afternoon,
please feed the cats.”
To: Alice 6:05AM
“I was just thinking of you…will do…”
Alice and I have known each other for a couple of years, but
friends since arriving in our little Oro Valley neighborhood the last
year. She is a smart, thoughtful, engaging
and richly deep person in her expression of thought – a retired administrator
by trade, living what could be called an idyllic and genteel retirement. A relative youngster in her mid sixties,
her working life successes had allowed her to walk away early and with some
comfort.
She is a Buddhist and has found a ‘place’ in the universe
that is gratifying when we ‘close the outside doors’ and jump into one
another’s minds to see what the ‘collective’ might discover. Winding through the chasms and ‘blue
highways’ of her knowledgeable wealth has always been a delight. I have not engaged her once, and not felt the
benefit of her gifts and wisdom.
She is a small woman…slight of stature, with greyish hair
that hangs a little more than halfway to her shoulders. When engaged, her bright eyes sparkle with focus
and interest.
Alice is a private person, who lets you ‘in’ on her terms
and does so without apology. Sometimes
people, careful about access to their lives, come across abrupt and
unfriendly. Not so Alice. She just has that kind of aura that says, “I
have worked hard to create a world in which I feel safe and comfortable. This
is the way I most easily manage the “…doors of perception…” in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t like or want to be
around you, I just like to take life in small bites…"
I love that about her!
The three of us – Molly, Alice and I – have a relaxed
relationship; one of easy acceptance.
She is a cat lover, and as it turned out an avid sports enthusiast. When the sport conversations begin between
the girls, I slip into a ‘different room,’ for in that arena, by comparison, I
am a rank amateur.
Alice has had Meniere’s disease for the last 6 years or
so. It is an ailment of the inner ear
that causes extreme dizziness, often accompanied with hearing loss, ringing in
the ears and sometimes pressure. In her
case, the pressure manifests as pain…strong and unrelenting pain.
Finally, last month, it was too much and she took an
overdose of potent medication with the intent of ending her pain AND her
life…or so it seemed, but uncharacteristically she left her garage door open
and front door unlocked, sending a small alarm through this neighbor friendly community. We got to her in time and she survived.
Out of the hospital for a little better than a week, she was
doing pretty well. We had, as usual, a
long open ended chat a couple of days ago and a short one yesterday. No hint – no warning.
My inbox: “Ted, if I do not answer the door by late this
afternoon, please feed the cats.”
This morning after her email, she made a call to the local
crisis hotline; that triggered the police interdiction protocol, and probably
saved her life. It took several hours
before she ‘gave it up’ and was taken to the hospital for a minimum 96-hour
hold. You see, it is not against the law
to take your own life…I mean, what IS the punishment??
This is not the first friend who contacted me when it looked
like it was the end of the road for them.
It has happened a time or two…one survived and has carried on, as far as
I can tell, a productive and healthy life…one did not.
A time for thought…
I have spent a good part of the day thinking about this
against the tapestry of the final three years or so of my mother’s life – a
brilliant, thoughtful, compassionate caring person – caught in the ever-darkening
prison of Alzheimer’s disease.
I also watched as my younger sister, the brightest and best
of our family, slowly strangle…each breath more labored…in the throes of early
onset Alzheimer’s until she died in the most undignified way, while we stood in
sorrowful impotence, quietly to the end.
The miracles of modern medicine? It is hard for me to imagine a more cruel and
merciless way for these women to end their journey.
I have heard the arguments for the sanctity of human
life…for letting the ‘will of God’ take its course…hell, I have made them
myself…yet over the years, these words have rung more and more hollow.
It seemed so easy to advise and pontificate about the value
of ‘climbing the rope’ to the very end.
It seemed so easy until I was on that rope…so easy until I was uncertain
what to do…until I watched in horror as two women, one of whom brought me to
life and the other who knew me better than any living creature…watching like a
guard over the prison of the condemned awaiting their execution.
But you see, there was NO EXECUTION! There was only the agonizing and unrelenting,
breath and life taking experience of waiting…waiting…waiting until every good
and gracious characteristic was stolen with the painfully slow ‘skin stripping’
of death’s gravitational pull…pulled to and from their very last breaths!
The neighborhood…
“This time she had a gun, dramatically changing the
dynamics. You see, when you have a gun,
AND the authorities get involved…all of it – and I mean all of it – takes on a
life of its own….”
Alice? I cannot say into
what dark place she found herself hopelessly huddled as she twice contemplated
the end of her journey. I can’t even say
it was a dark place…I am no jury…I am no judge.
I can and will say this.
When she returns home, I (we) will continue to love and
support her as long as she is with us.
If it is a long time, I will no doubt be the beneficiary of this bright
and articulate woman’s mind.
If it is not a long time, I will take consolation in the
moments we shared and as God IS MY WITNESS I will not blame her for decisions
she makes or thoughts to which I am not privy nor understand, nor will I feel
guilty that my voice or the voices of others were not enough to make a
difference.
After all…she is a private woman and she is my friend.
- ted
No comments:
Post a Comment