I change and who nods when I nod;
my shadow does that much better.”
– Lucius Plutarch
Sometimes you should ask, sometimes you should listen, and
sometimes you just need to be told…
I wrote the email quickly, as can happen when my fire has
been lit. I had been asked and answered
the same question three or four times…I was frustrated and expressed the
distress in blunt, and fairly harsh terms.
It doesn’t happen very often, but in the past when it has, I sent these
sorts of things off right away…
The reasons my finger held short of the send key had to do
with friends I have cultivated over the years…most have long since passed away
and one of them as current as the daily news. While there are others, three folks are pertinent to this discussion - Sol, Lucius and Molly. None of them have met because they
lived at different times, but somehow all of them have a fair amount in common,
particularly as it relates to my almost overwhelming desire to ‘pull the
trigger’ on that email!!!
Sol would be King Solomon, second Monarch to
the Jewish Nation. Lucius’ surname was
Plutarch, a Greek historian and writer while Molly…well her surname would be
the same as mine, since she and I have been cohabitating for nearly 35 years.
Solomon’s words have been in my mind for decades. In situations like this he would say soft
answers are much better than harsh…they sooth the soul, both for the one
feeling the rising anger and the person just about to be on the receiving end.
As it happened, whilst this small drama unfolded, I had been
reading Plutarch’s essays on Morality, and in particular in the early morning of
this particular day, the treatise “On Restraining Anger.” It was strange to be in this annoying
situation at precisely the same time I was reading strategies describing how to
manage anger when it erupts, be alert to see it coming, understand how completely counterproductive explosive anger can be and recognize the value of
decompressing BEFORE it emerges full force into the universe!
Plutarch says when Socrates felt anger rising in his soul he
would “…lower his voice, and put on a smiling countenance, and give his eye a
gentler expression, by inclining in the other direction and running counter to
his passion, thus keeping himself from fall and defeat.” He continues “…it is best…to be calm, or to
flee to a haven of quiet, when we feel the fit of temper coming upon us as an
epileptic fit, that we fall not, or rather fall not on others…”
I have over the years, quite fallen in love with the words
of writers like Plutarch, because they provide companionship to the scriptural
teachings upon which I was nurtured by the gentle and loving hands of my
parents. They seem to reach somewhere
deeply inside of me and resonate with the rich harmony of a melodically tight
group of a cappella singers. So I read
them and appreciate how helpful they are and how they continue to shape my
life.
Philosophy? No, just common sense…
Molly on the other hand, seems simply to get this sort of
thing without much thought – “Without much thought” meaning she has this built in wisdom and life experience that does not require much flowery
language. So Plutarch expresses eloquent
words to think about in quiet moments…you know, by putting on some mental armor
to protect others, and myself while Molly looks at me and says, “You had better
not send that email! Take a few minutes
and come back to it.” She didn’t need
either Solomon or Plutarch to get it…furthermore she didn’t need their words. She simply continued, “If you send that email,
you will regret it later.”
In the moment, it was everything I could do to not hit that
‘send’ button. The passion growing in my
tummy erupting into the cosmic mistiness of lower brain neurons were able to
overwhelm concepts by which I try to live my life, AND the words I had read
that very morning and had been thinking about a good part of the day.
It is not that she nagged or warned or cajoled or kept at
it – nope, she made the simple statement above, closing her remarks with, “Do
whatever you want, I’m just saying…” Damn, that well aimed arrow struck directly in my
heart!!
I did not hit the send key, but slipped away and made a phone
call to see if I could get a little clarity and better
understanding of the situation. It
turned out the call was friendly, helpful and settled the issue completely.
When I returned to the computer the waters had calmed, the
storm having passed over with no casualties to report, and I seemed to be in my
right mind.
Just before deleting the unsent email, I reread it and was
struck by its tone and forcefulness, neither of which would I like to have put
out to the cyber universe, let alone be received by a colleague and
friend. What had seemed extremely
appropriate in the moment of writing appeared to be oddly out of place and
character, for indeed it was. In that
moment I was grateful for Sol, Lucius and Molly.
There is something about stepping away to breathe that makes
a difference in the nature of our lives.
In the heat of the moment, what seems to be the best solution to make
things work, is often the very thing that creates further problems. Going into a quiet room is something I
practice on a regular basis, because it makes the quality of life so much
better. There are moments like these, however,
when the resources gathered over the years seem to have abandoned me, or are at
the very least inaccessible, I am grateful for the physical presence and
reminder that sometimes we just need help to keep alert to things just outside our
peripheral vision.
While there is little doubt I appreciate those old writers
and their guidance in my life, their words are static and require thoughtful
consideration. Molly on the other hand
has no such restraint. Her words were
NOT static and fit the unfolding moment like a glove,
“You had better not
send that email!!”
“If you send that
email, you will regret it later.”
“Do what you want,
I’m just saying…”
They worked and the problem was solved.
I’m just saying…
- ted
with no hesitation on hitting SEND... MERRY CHRISTMAS TED & MOLLY!!!
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