The phantom five...

“Men do not quit playing because they grow old;

they grow old because they quit playing”

– Oliver Wendell Holmes

It might have been 2006…maybe 2007…I am uncertain. 

What I am certain about is that they were children then, by now they would be a young adults.  Nina (as in singer Nina Simone) and Ella (as in Fitzgerald – also a very famous singer)…in fact, I couldn’t wait to see them.

It began like this…

In 1996, I was given my first opportunity to speak overseas.  It is one of those events in life about which you remember almost everything.  It had begun in the back of a ballroom of the La Jolla Marriot Hotel, in the fall of 1994.  The lighting in the room was muted, a small circle of chairs gathered, and some quiet conversation about a conference that would take place in Würzburg, Germany in March of 1996.  The fellow leading the conversation was setting up the meeting and he invited me to speak.  With little hesitation, I accepted.

With the exception of Vietnam in the late 1960s, this would be my first adventure overseas.  In contrast to that experience, nobody in Germany had an interest in ending my life prematurely! 

As the flight came in for a landing in Frankfurt, it struck me this was really happening.  From there it would be a train to Würzburg and the Congress – I was excited!

It was there I met Chris, an energetic physical therapist (physiotherapist) working for the company sponsoring the meeting.  It became clear this young woman was key to the conference success.  She was everywhere…checking everything…eyes on all of it.  All went well, and I thought I had reached the peak of my professional career.  I wanted to savor every moment of everything.  Little did I know this was just the beginning…

Many years and conferences passed…

A decade or so later, I was in Zürich to visit my friend Werner on business. While there, Chris and her hubby David invited me to dinner in their home.  By now they were parents of two delightful young girls – Nina and Ella – both with sparkling eyes that reflected a keen intelligence taken from their parents.

I genuinely love children.  There are so many things about them that seize the imagination.  Often, it is difficult to make a connection when time is brief, so I have developed a couple of techniques that work well. I crouch down so that I am at eye level with them.  This is helpful because I am a tall fellow and it is easy to intimidate youngsters by size alone.  The second, and most successful over the years is “The Phantom five!”  I am uncertain how it ended up in my toolkit.  Perhaps it came out of my own mind or from someone skilled in working with youngsters.  All I know is that it is the best thing I have ever discovered when connecting with children.

It works like this…

“Give me five,” says one person to the other, and they slap open palms together.  Young kids like to do this, old folks sometimes too…

My variation is called the “Phantom five.”  Sometimes it takes a little non-threatening encouragement…usually by getting down to eye-level.

I hold out one finger and say, “Just for fun, give me one.”  The youngster puts out one finger and I slap it gently with my single finger.

Then I hold out two fingers and say, “Just for you, give me two.”  A two finger slap follows. 

The progression continues… 

“Just for me, give me three.”  “Just once more, give me four.”  “Man alive, give me five.”

One would think that’s the end, because by now the child is engaged and both parties are having fun.  Ah, not so…the best part is yet to come.  The BEST part is the “Phantom five.” 

This is a little harder to explain in words, but you say, “Now give me the Phantom five!” and raise your hand as though you were going to give a ‘high five.’  BUT…and this IS the best part…you miss the child’s hand in a dramatic fashion!  Get it??  You miss hands...the slap doesn’t actually happen…you swish the air!  It is the PHANTOM FIVE!  

At first, the youngster generally looks a little confused, but then you repeat just the Phantom five and say something like, “Isn’t that great!!”  For some unknown reason, they catch on and almost always smile broadly…maybe if you’re lucky they laugh a little.

By now they usually want to do it a couple more times from “Just for fun, give me one” through the “Now give me the Phantom five.”  The energy you give to the slap that whooshes through the air is what they can’t wait to get to!  Almost without fail it creates a connection and a new friend has been made. 

It still works…

Three weeks ago I was in Zürich again.  Knowing I would be there, I emailed David and Chris to see if we might have dinner.  I wouldn’t be alone.  A dear family friend from Detroit, now living in Stuttgart, Germany drove down to spend a day exploring the city.  They invited both of us over for dinner. 

Nina no longer lives at home, and Ella had a busy schedule the day we planned come, but they both made it – Nina in her early twenties and Ella in her late teens.  Nina came first and I kind of awkwardly did just the last part of the air swishing “Phantom five.” When Ella arrived from a strenuous bike ride home, I was better and we did the whole deal…both had remembered it.

Dinner was simply wonderful and the hospitality could not have been better.  We had rich and lively conversation, and to the credit of these amazing young women, they stayed up, completely engaged in the discussions, until 12:30AM.  As we were leaving Ella and I did the Phantom five once more.  “Do it again,” she said as if she wanted to get it clearly in her mind.  We did, both smiled, laughed and I felt the connection we had discovered several years before.  The neural pathways laid down remained and there was a reward for both of us.  I suspect we will find a spot for this little ritual when we see one another again.  I am in hopes it will become a part of her toolkit too.

It’s about the moment isn’t it?

I am uncertain when I will see my Swiss friends again…one never knows.  I know this, however, the connection with the girls was (is) still alive.  There is something else about that “Phantom five” I usually don’t confess.  The kids think it is for them, because it makes them smile and laugh, and it surely provides for a quick pathway for openness and trust. 

In truth, however, I do it for me.  There is little in life that gives me more pleasure than connecting with a young mind devoid of so many of the burdens life brings with it.  Moments with children remind me of the child I have inside of me and the importance of keeping it alive, open and engaged.  They remind me, not of the paradise lost of adulthood and maturity, but of the hope and energy of a life yet to be lived – mine!

“Hey, just for fun give me one…”

- ted