Words can hurt, but...

“…the words I speak unto you, they

are spirit and they are life.”

- John 6:63, Bible

“Sticks and stones

can break my bones,

but words will never hurt me.”

While my mother taught me more about the positive nature of life than any other person I have ever known, the phrase above was the one untruth she placed in my mind from the time I was a child. 

There is little doubt she was simply passing along what she had been taught.  A way to protect her child from what she knew life would bring to his mind.  However, the defense was faulty…the intended ‘barrier to entry’ of hurts and tender feelings, left exposed…an unlocked backdoor into which ideas would pour, only to emerge at the most inopportune times in life. 

In fact, ‘words,’ are truly the only thing that can hurt ‘us.’

What can we actually control?

Things that are not in our power are indifferent to ‘us.’ They are not really morally good or bad…the stoic philosophers would say things like health, wealth, poverty, disease, power and death…all of these things are external to us and act on us – they aren’t moral issues…they are life.  In spite of what we think, we have very few ways to influence these things beyond very minor adjustments.

Our thoughts and feelings, on the other hand…the words we gather, the ideas we cultivate, the beliefs we keep within our minds – ah, now there is a different kettle of fish.  It is here, and only here where we have real influence.

This, of course, is why self-help books are so popular.  You can find the seven habits…the seven principles…the four dimensions…the, well you know, the formula of the day from which, with a little elbow grease and hard work, you can emerge as a meaningful and self-actuated human being!

It isn’t just the bookshelves full of these ‘manuals for life’ that fly into our notebooks…our personal libraries…our CD players…our iPods.  All spiritual and philosophic writings point to peace and tranquility of the world in which we live – our minds.  The Bible, Quran, Bagadavita, Buddhist Dharma, Tao Te Ching…all of these texts extol the importance of internal stillness…the quieter one becomes, the more one hears…

We read stories of those who seem to have found ‘it’…those who seem to have reached a state, or at least gotten close to some sense of transcendent contentment.  Even founding documents of this country suggest we have the God given and the independently declared right to the “…pursuit of happiness?”  Ah, the pursuit of happiness…the carrot before the donkey.

In fact, none of this internal satisfaction occurs without plain hard work.  There are no ‘…road to Damascus…’ experiences without having done a lot of preliminary preparation.  The metaphoric story of the apple falling on Newton’s head would have meant nothing without an enormous amount of mental preparation.

Rubber meets the road…
You could read all of these texts, and indeed they are surely worth doing so. 

On the other hand, you could simply meet and hang around my friends, Paul and Monica…two of the most remarkable people I know.  I’m not sure I would say that individually they are the two most remarkable people I know…although they surely are right up there.  No, as a couple…a team…a partnership…a marriage – this is what makes them most remarkable.

Let me tell you what they know…better said, let me tell you what they understand about the importance of building internal worlds with each other.  Their personal interactive conversations during the day are littered with phrases like, “My darling husband you are so smart.  What a great meal you have prepared.”  “You see how brilliant you are (Paul speaking to Monica), that was just the right solution!”  The number of times “I love you” and “my darling” are repeated during the day are practically uncountable.  The number of gentle touches and loving kisses immeasurable. 

They do not live on another planet…they do not live in some alternate universe…they do not chant unintelligible mantras in saffron robes.  They understand the fragility of life, AND they understand the power of words – both loving and not so loving.  They have made the conscious choice to edify, share, promote, and yes love one another in both word and deed!  They have come to understand that incredible power comes from openness and vulnerability to one another.  They have found the strength and will to live the words that these holy and spiritual writings profess. 

This does not mean they have not had trials.  As with all of us, they surely have, and if you knew them, you would understand those challenges have been significant.  BUT – and Paul would not like me to use the word ‘but’ here, for he is an ‘AND’ person – BUT these two have made choices, hard working choices to promote one another’s life journey…to constantly promote the love they feel for one another, AND the value that each brings to the other.

The lesson…

There is little doubt self examination and the seeking of contentment in life is the most important thing we can do.  My friends Paul and Monica provide a living laboratory of what can be when people commit to promoting the life of another human being.  They express in word, action, habit and character what is possible in the world of human interaction…both internally and externally.

To quote the philosopher Lao Tzu:

"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."

Accomplish this, and in fact, words will never hurt us. 

- ted