Marking Time…

“Life’s race-course is fixed; Nature has only a single path and

that path is run but once, and to each stage of existence has

been allotted its own appropriate quality; so that the weakness of

childhood, the impetuosity of youth, the seriousness of middle life,

the maturity of old age – each bears some of Nature’s fruit,

which must be garnered in its own season.”

Cicero – On Old Age

Yesterday I got older. “Older than what,” one might ask? It wasn’t a special day, not some accelerant that speeds the burning fire of life…It was merely a day…But in that day, I got older.

Intro – take one
“Hi I’m Dr. Brown,” she said. And so she was. Young, tiny, dressed as if she were going out to dinner – it was only 10AM! It is odd when the physician attending to your needs looks like, well the ‘…every girl (boy)…’ in any high school…anywhere. That immediate impression quickly overcome by doing the math and appreciating undergraduate school, medical school, an internship, a residency, and if they have been in practice any length of time, by now she would be in her early to mid thirties!

This was one of those unrequested markers in life…it is not that they are turning doctors out earlier and younger, but that I am getting older…well, how about more mature. And by the way, what is the invisible line one crosses to enter the category of older age? What is the metric? Plato says, “Or suppose we differ in magnitudes, do we not quickly end the difference by measuring?” Well, there is no measurement here so it is difficult to quantify this aging thing!

I have heard it frequently said, “…you are as young (old) as you feel…,” but in my experience it is most often said by young folks to older folks complaining about how quickly time has flown by!!!

In an attempt to ‘keep my youth,’ I have tried to be moderately careful about what I eat, exercise regularly and get a good night’s sleep. The latter has not been consistently as good as one would like. Hypnos (the Greek God of sleep) seems to be inconsistent in his responsibilities in recent months….but I digress.

Intro – take two…
“Hi, I’m Dr. Brown,” she said. I relied, “Hi, I’m Ted.” I had been sitting in the chair in her exam room for about 20 minutes waiting for my eyes to dilate.

I had been noticing for some time my right eye seemed to ‘feel’ like it was working a little harder than my left. Gone for almost two decades was a ‘glasses-free life,’ with the emergence of a small astigmatism in that pesky right eye. A week ago, there had been an unusual ‘floater’ in my eye and some small ‘lightening flashes’ in the periphery of that same eye. So, thinking there might be a retinal issue, it was off to the Ophthalmologist. This brings us up to date.

Intro – take three
“Hi, I’m Dr. Brown,” she said, and went about shining bright lights in my openly and vulnerably dilated eyes. It was lots of, “look up – look down – look right – look left.” After a few moments she said, “You have some macular pucker (epiretinal membrane) in that right eye. When some people get older, the vitreous fluid of the eye contracts and pulls a bit of the membrane away from the back of the lens and wrinkles, kind of like cellophane. Once it happens, it usually doesn’t get worse. It can be removed surgically with tiny instruments, but there can be significant complications for some people, and no guarantees. I am happy to refer you to an opthamalic surgeon, because I don’t operate.”

Hmm, I thought…I come reporting a minor distraction to my right eye; am given no treatment other than a possible, but not probable surgical solution with a 50/50 possibility of success; 6 month healing time, and oh yes – I later checked the internet – much worse…the possibility of blindness in that eye.

“Well,” said I, “I am more inclined to let the natural history unfold than have surgery, but thanks.”

“Okay,” she replied. “I have to say, I am surprised you are seeing as well as you are with this. Your prescription is fine, come see me in a year.”

A little reflection
It’s easy to not pay too much attention to life as time moves forward. The morning comes…we meet it and get on with the day as if we have an unlimited number of these 24-hour cycles. The truth, of course, is that we actually have precious few of them.

The truth is they fly by with such speed we hardly notice…until…until we have those moments that remind us we are no longer the boys and girls of summer; remind us how good the early spring was; remind us of the richness of the fall harvest…and overcome us with how chilly the winter can be.

This is not a fatalistic perspective by any means, any more than the realization that time and gravity simply are. It’s just that we, in the ebb and flow of our lives, have few markers to tell us how the journey is actually going or how successful or how meaningful all of it is.

Our dance was done
And so it was. She was out the door to the next patient and I was out the door to….well, I was out the door with a label, an unresolvable contracted vitreous fluid – the result of the natural aging process…emphasis ‘aging’ – and the rest of the day.

Intro – part four
“Hi, I’m Dr. Brown,” she said. I replied, “Hi I’m Ted.”

“I am older today...”

- ted