"A man that hath friends must show himself friendly…"
- Proverbs 18:24 - Bible
The email
He was in sunglasses on the video, but the ‘look’ and the ‘voice’ were as familiar as my own image in the mirror. He said, maybe this would be a way to communicate a little more frequently…it had been awhile – quite some time since I had seen his face and heard his voice, but in that instant we were NOT a couple of fellows in our 60s, but kids living in the 60s.
It simply appears…
Your first friend just happens…no plan…no strategy…just life. Think about it for a moment – you WILL appreciate your memory.
John and I were the most unlikely of personalities to find resonance. I ‘hid’ from life in sports; he in the arts – ‘we’ in our friendship. In fact, I have NO IDEA how we began…but we did. He was my first real friend – the one with whom animated conversations, ludicrous antics or complete silence fit like a glove. There were no judgments in that experience, no bitterness, no sustained anger…just a huge mental bank account of tolerance. It was so natural, it simply was. We were the fellas who hung together the way those characters in buddy movies do – he even had a motorcycle!
The last couple of years of high school, outside of the band for him, athletics for me, and our respective girl friends, there was little time we did not spend together. It was one of those friendships, in an age filled with all of the bonding chemistry and angst, that arises when trying to fit into a confusing and ever expanding world. While it didn’t appear that way to others, we were outsiders, a couple of guys who didn’t get the world around us doing the best we could – trying to figure it out.
You know exactly what I am talking about.
In youth, one thinks life will always be what it is – you know, the corner grocery store, the local theater, the neighbors next door. Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth. After high school we drifted apart – off to different colleges and different life experiences.
What’s the deal?
Growing up is the ultimate experiment. Since, for each person, it is the first and only time it happens, there is little context for the emerging tapestry of our lives. It was my assumption John and I would simply pick up where we left off – you know, always friends. Friends, yes…pick up where we left off? Four decades later it has simply not happened.
Life is like this. We get busy, distractions pre-occupy our lives and before we know it, like the quietness of an evening sunset, what seemed so crisp and clear, softens around the edges and things slip out of reach – so it was with John. Life happened and the day drifted gently into the shadows of time.
The Bhuddists are right about this…while the flame on the candle appears to provide a consistent light, it is in fact never the same as the candle slowly melts away.
Yet, as time passes in life – when things begin to slow a little and you look around – when you realize in those moments of “…pale hushed stillness before dawn…,” you would give a lot to be that young man once again; you would be a better custodian of friendship; you would take a more proactive position; keeping the ‘…wick trimmed…’ and the ‘…candle bright.’
So what do you say?
It is not clear to me, living in a world of political correctness, how one is to express the meaning of friendships that men develop. We are not so good at expressing our feelings to one another…so we play ball, hunt and fish, attend or watch sports, or talk about meaningful things of the moment. We mask our feelings through the many activities that act as substitutes for expressions of deep appreciation – as if to suggest we don’t need to say the words, to understand the affection and friendship. We almost never tell them we love them. Women seem to be able to do this – we are not so good at it.
You substitute…
There is a wonderful scene in the film Dancing with Wolves demonstrating this very point. It is near the end of the movie when the character John Dunbar (renamed Dances With Wolves) is leaving. One of his chief rivals in the film is the character Wind in His Hair. In the end, they forge a deep bond of respect for one another. Wind in His Hair, cannot bring himself to face Dances With Wolves’ departure. From a ledge at some distance he appears and calls these most memorable, and to me deeply moving words:
“Dances With Wolves. I am Wind In His Hair. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?”
It is said, “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.” A fair amount of water has passed under the bridge since those early years....John and I haven’t seen much of each other.
Maybe that video thing will work out, but whether it does or not I know this:
“John. I am Ted. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?”
- ted
Beautifully written window on the essence of the first friendship. My own first friendship ended at age 7 with my move to the U.S. Although rare letters followed (the kind written on paper), the friendship never re-engaged. However, if called upon, there is no question I would run to his or his family’s side.
ReplyDeleteA more formed memory was my first “girlfriend”, a fourth grade friend whom I lost contact with when I moved from Catholic school to a public school in 5th grade. Although the memory would occasionally resurface, I believed our paths would never cross. About 40 years later, as it so happened, she and her family moved to the small college town where we lived. Through one of my sons, who was attending the same high school as her daughter, we learned we were in the same community. Months passed by. On a social occasion - a school art show - we had a chance to meet. Cordial, but time had passed - like two ships that had travelled different paths and were on different trajectories.