Life is what it is...

It all begins with a blank page, doesn’t it?  The darkness, the warmth, the feeling – because, of course, there are no words or thoughts, just the warmth.  Somewhere in the moment – or rather a moment – there is confusion, pain, light and from the comfort of the womb, the journey of life begins.

So it was with all of us, but in this particular case, it was my darling sister Nancy Jeanne.  Her specific entrance was unknown to me, simply because of the relative newness of my own journey.  You see, I was two and she – well, she had just arrived.  Her entrance into my life was little more than noise in the bedroom, or should I say crib room where I seemed to be housed.  There also seemed to be a shift in the amount of attention I had been getting – somewhat disconcerting I might add.

And so the journey reverses itself as my sister’s journey has unfolded.  She was strong, deliberate, joyful, compassionate, thoughtful, determined, brave, heroic and above all caring for those around her.  She was a successful business woman and a single parent who protected, loved, defended and sacrificed almost everything personal to attend to the central focus of her life – her daughter Mariah Lynn.  Ball games, events, honors, graduations, she was always there – a bright light, a vocal advocate and unwavering fan.

But now, the darkness has begun, begun in the most ravaging and unfair of ways.  This journey is the devastating and cruelest and insidious of thieves – Alzheimer’s.  This strong, powerful and articulate woman, my sister, one of the great loves of my life, is slipping away as surely as the sun sets in the west.

Nancy said in the final few hours of Mariah’s birth she told the doctor she had changed her mind.  She didn’t want to deliver the child.  I have come to understand this is not an uncommon expression in women with their first birth.  She said she screamed, as she realized this was actually going to happen, “Stop this!!!”  BUT then she held this little wet living creature in her arms and nothing else mattered, not the pain, not the fear – just the warmth and the beating of the heart and the gentle breath of this child on her breast.  While I am certain it was terrifying to her, she smiled whimsically as she told me the story. 

So here I am sitting with finger to keyboard, tears streaming down my face screaming in my mind, “God, stop this…PLEASE stop this!!!!!”  There will be nothing here to hold in my arms; no whimsical smile or knowing glance.  There is a helplessness, so complete it saturates practically every pore.  There is the distraction of the day, but it is in the quietness of the night when there is no distraction when the, ‘…is what it is…’ overwhelms.

It is often said, it is the worst feeling of loss is when you realize you hadn’t truly appreciated something when you had it; you know when it is gone and the space seems empty.  Well that is not true, it isn’t the worst of feelings.  The worst of feelings is when you see someone you love slipping away and there is not one thing that can be done about it.  It is the most hopeless of feelings.

 


- ted