“Indifference and
neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
- J.K. Rowling: Harry
Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The fellow looked to be in his late 60s. He stood about 5’10” (1.78m), somewhere in
the neighborhood of 230 pounds (104kg), round in figure, unshaven for at least
a couple of days, and had missed several belt loops with the belt around the
waist of his trousers. The missed
‘loops’ caused his pants to sag a little low on his left hip, exposing the tops
of his underwear, and when he bent over, a fair amount of the pale whitish skin
of his left flank…not a pretty sight.
The woman, apparently his wife, appeared to be about 5’5” (1.65m)
with three to four inch brownish/auburn dyed hair, encircled with an ‘out of
place’ orange hair band. Her dress was
ill fitting and she wore a car coat, passing her broad hips to about
mid-thigh. In addition to her unkempt
appearance, she looked agitated and ill tempered, which became abundantly evident
as the next few minutes unfolded.
The hard-shell bag they had taken to the check in counter
was overweight, whereby airline agent told them it would need to be 10 pounds (4.5
kg) lighter or incur a hefty additional charge.
I have seen this a number of times before, and often, people take their
bags somewhere away from the counter to reorganize and redistribute their
things to other bags. This was NOT the
case on this day!
Rather than losing their place behind the other people waiting
to check in, they…rather she…decided to redistribute things from the bigger bag
to two other, by now open, carry-on bags lying open on the floor in front of
the check-in counter.
As everything lay open, it was clear the packing had not
been particularly thoughtful. Sparing
the detail, the big suitcase rather looked like a tangled pile of clothing and personal
items tossed in at random without forethought.
The next few minutes, as I waited in my (different) line was
one of the more interesting ‘theater of the absurd’ events I have experienced
in a public setting.
The woman began by berating the man for having not paid
closer attention when she was packing at home – clearly his fault! Oblivious to the strangers standing around
watching, she pulled a number of items out of the bigger bag, giving them to
her husband to repack in the smaller carry-on luggage. The man seemed completely befuddled as to how
repack, causing the tone of her language to escalate in volume and harshness…I
mean, how worthless could one man be!
Two of the more notable things she took out of the larger
bag were a package of adult diapers, which she opened and stuffed down the
front of her husband’s shirt, and a pair of toe-splitter sandals with
rhinestones embedded foot straps, that she put in his trouser pockets, loudly
warning him to leave them right where she put them.
Because his shirt was not tucked in, the diapers fell straight
to the floor. As he bent down to pick
them up, she struck him and said his shirt should have been tucked in his pants
in the first place!
With the help of a compassionate – AND BRAVE – onlooker, the
two carry-on bags were zipped up and the larger one taken back to the weigh
station. It was still two pounds over the
limit!
In the brief moments that followed, the airline representative
appeared to weigh her options. After
some brief thought and a furtive glance or two at the growing number of other
people in the line, she made an executive decision and accepted the bag with no
extra charge.
The wife looked like she had won the lottery, slapped her
husband on the shoulder and told him to get moving to the gate. He lumbered after her toward security, adjusting
his now expanded tummy (the diapers under his shirt), looking for like a wet
puppy with its tail between its legs.
If this had been a situation comedy on television, it would have
been pretty comical. Of course, it was
not and like most real life situations, was not the least bit funny.
A moment to catch my
breath…
As I watched this couple trot off, I wondered how it had
come to this. Of course, I knew nothing
about them, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it had been like when they
first met, fell in love and decided to make a life together. How did the warmth
of romance and maturing love turn so cold, dark and lifeless?
It was pure projection on my part, but over the years I have
seen many less dramatic examples when older couples bicker and fight so much in
their personal lives that it becomes part of the identity of who they are. After a time, it doesn’t matter whether they
are in public or in private, the interaction becomes habitual and the “…what
is…” of their relationship. Maybe it
starts with taking things for granted and gradually drifts away from there…I
really don’t know.
This event was sandwiched between two relationships
pertinent to two other couples, one of which I know intimately and the other I
am learning to know better. One engaged
in decades of marriage…the other just starting out.
The ‘long in the tooth’ couple would be Molly and me. In the middle of our third decade together,
we seem to have found a rhythm, pace and respectful balance of a nicely working
endurance run. While quite different in many
ways, the deliberately active cultivation of our relationship has not just
worked, but grown.
The flight brought me to San Antonio, where the other couple
lives. They would be the newly married
Mariah (my niece) and Dan Robertson.
They are just beginning the journey together, and are also quite
different in many ways. What is not
different, however, is the consideration they have for one another and the
obviously deliberate planting and cultivation of the newly tilled, ‘collective
garden’ of their lives.
“Deliberate” is the key word here. Like anything else in life, we find ourselves
exactly where our choices have put us.
Love doesn’t grow cold by accident, nor does it mature and remain strong
by chance. Anything that grows and
remains sturdy…anything…requires the careful paying of attention.
As I watched the couple head off to security, I was certain
the scene played out for all to see was only a tip of an iceberg of discontent
within their relationship. At the same
time I was grateful for the woman I would be leaving for the weekend and to
whom I would return, as well as the young couple with whom I would be spending
my time away from home.
Gratitude would be too inadequate a word…
- ted
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