An unexpected turn...

"No one is so brave that he is not

disturbed by something unexpected."

- Julius Caesar

Tucson, Arizona – The garden in the back yard is full of cacti: 
Barrel, Prickly Pear, Beaver Tail, a small Saguaro and a miniature grapefruit tree among other assorted Desert Fauna.  It represents her taste and character.  Sitting here, on Saturday evening as the sun sets, is about as lovely as one might imagine life could be. 

Monday morning – a great walk… 

It had been a bit chilly for several days in San Diego, but today was warm, sunny…the air crystal clear – a reminder why Southern California is, more consistently than not, a great place to live. 

The conversation drifted to Molly’s mother, as it had consistently done over the past year or so, and her declining health.      

Two years or so ago, this tiny wisp of a woman fell and fractured her pelvis.  She was 79 and while fractured pelvises have better long-term survival rates among the elderly than fractured hips, the prognosis can be iffy.  In her case it was very iffy.  Not, as it turned out from the pelvis, but the Clostridium Difficile (C-Diff) infection she acquired while in the hospital.  She was discharged to home and immediately had another fall.  From there it was back to the hospital...to a nursing home and back home again...horribly ill from the infection - all within a few weeks!

The outlook was grim…

The family decided to keep her at home for her final few weeks.  That was two-plus years ago.  The woman survived all of this…regaining strength and celebrating a memorable 80^th birthday with friends and family.  During this time, Molly was back and forth to Tucson with the rhythm of the ocean tide.  At first every few weeks…then every month.  Over the past 6 months with a little less frequency as Mary seemed stable…if diminishing.

In the mean time, her apparently healthy younger sister, unexpectedly emerged with lung cancer and slipped away leaving Mary as the only child.  Her brother died nearly a decade earlier of brain cancer, and Floyd her husband passed away at the age of 73 in the fall of 2003.  Through all of this, AND failing health Mary just plugged along.

The ‘temporary’ home care for a few weeks, turned into a ‘second family’ of care givers who could not have watched over her any better had they been blood relatives.

Her ability to survive…

She was a ‘future looking’ and an ‘in control’ woman all of her life.  It was a strong character that sustained her through all of this.  A military wife, it was she that moved the family from base to base and home to home.  When Floyd went to war, it was she who kept the house and family together.  She had a survival, “…whatever it takes…” instinct and hard won experience for those she loved and for her own life.  She was a smart, thoughtful, determined, yet a quiet woman.

A little work to do…

Tuesday, I had some business on the east coast.  Flying east requires early morning departure because one loses three hours before even getting on the plane.  So it was up at 4:00AM…the airport by 5:15 and off the ground by 6:30…. 

The flight to Baltimore was non-stop and comfortable.  I like flying for many reasons…mostly because, well, I just like it!  It also provides a quiet place to work without interruption.  On this flight, because it would be 5 plus hours in the air, I picked up the internet so that I could work on a project that required a little web research.

About 200 miles from Baltimore I got the email from Molly.  The content was unexpected, but in her usual plain spoken way, “ted,

Mom died this morning at 9:20 a.m. MST.  More later,  got to call my brothers, mol.”  In that moment at 35,000 feet I was stunned with the realization that Mary was gone.  I was surprised how profoundly my heart was touched.

We knew Mary’s batteries were running low and that her quality of life had degraded considerably.  Her death, however, was more sudden and shocking than either of us had thought it would be.  I cancelled the meeting in Baltimore and as soon as the plane landed I caught the next flight back to San Diego. 

The following morning, Molly was in the car and heading for Tucson to manage what would be the loss of her final parent.  As so as often happens in these life changing situations, everything got pretty simple…apparent important items in the periphery disolved and the course of events became highly focused.

Mary Ann Eberhard…

She was an interesting woman…a fighter…a lover of her children, and at times as difficult as they come…my mother-in-law.

We did not have the kind of relationship, from which mother-in-law jokes come.  We also didn’t sit around and talk about the meaning of life.  What we did was love and respect each other in our own ways.  She could be gruff with me, and would tease me…I would tell her I loved her, and get a grudging "I love you too" in return. When I arrived or left, she would put her cheek out for a kiss.  She wouldn’t say anything, just put it out there.  The kiss?  It was expected!

This was our dance…our way of finding a rhythm that worked for us.  One would have to know both of us to ‘get’ the way we interacted.  We played this game and we loved it!

You know the thing they say about ‘actions’ being louder than ‘words’…that was Mary.  She never missed a holiday or birthday without sending a card.  She would send Molly home with clothing saying, “…This doesn’t fit me anymore...” along with other things on every visit.  She would hop in the car and drive cross-country to Rochester or Boston or Philadelphia just to hear her son Michael, an accomplished opera singer – sing!

She was an artist in cross-stitching…creating dozens of pieces over her life.  They were so good, close friends and family coveted owning one of them.  She didn’t disappoint in sharing her gift with, or to them.  In addition, she was the most knowledgeable sports ‘wonk’ I ever personally knew – man or woman!

The cycle of life…

As we get older, it is inevitable that we will lose parents…friends…husbands and wives…brothers and sisters.  Death really is a part of life as surely as birth and the unrequested journey upon which we find ourselves. 

In these moments…the moments when things become real simple…when all of the things that seem so important slip into mists of meaninglessness…when clarity defines what is really important.   It is these moments we should cherish and appreciate and upon which we should meditate, because it is these moments in which we either find ourselves grateful for the relationships we cultivated with love, or regret the things we missed in the life of a loved one no longer sharing this dimension with us.

Is a departure the end? In no way…just another part of the excursion…a transition point for us all.  What do I think about it?

“See you in the not too distant future Mary.  I am grateful…”

- ted