Life is what it is...

It all begins with a blank page, doesn’t it?  The darkness, the warmth, the feeling – because, of course, there are no words or thoughts, just the warmth.  Somewhere in the moment – or rather a moment – there is confusion, pain, light and from the comfort of the womb, the journey of life begins.

So it was with all of us, but in this particular case, it was my darling sister Nancy Jeanne.  Her specific entrance was unknown to me, simply because of the relative newness of my own journey.  You see, I was two and she – well, she had just arrived.  Her entrance into my life was little more than noise in the bedroom, or should I say crib room where I seemed to be housed.  There also seemed to be a shift in the amount of attention I had been getting – somewhat disconcerting I might add.

And so the journey reverses itself as my sister’s journey has unfolded.  She was strong, deliberate, joyful, compassionate, thoughtful, determined, brave, heroic and above all caring for those around her.  She was a successful business woman and a single parent who protected, loved, defended and sacrificed almost everything personal to attend to the central focus of her life – her daughter Mariah Lynn.  Ball games, events, honors, graduations, she was always there – a bright light, a vocal advocate and unwavering fan.

But now, the darkness has begun, begun in the most ravaging and unfair of ways.  This journey is the devastating and cruelest and insidious of thieves – Alzheimer’s.  This strong, powerful and articulate woman, my sister, one of the great loves of my life, is slipping away as surely as the sun sets in the west.

Nancy said in the final few hours of Mariah’s birth she told the doctor she had changed her mind.  She didn’t want to deliver the child.  I have come to understand this is not an uncommon expression in women with their first birth.  She said she screamed, as she realized this was actually going to happen, “Stop this!!!”  BUT then she held this little wet living creature in her arms and nothing else mattered, not the pain, not the fear – just the warmth and the beating of the heart and the gentle breath of this child on her breast.  While I am certain it was terrifying to her, she smiled whimsically as she told me the story. 

So here I am sitting with finger to keyboard, tears streaming down my face screaming in my mind, “God, stop this…PLEASE stop this!!!!!”  There will be nothing here to hold in my arms; no whimsical smile or knowing glance.  There is a helplessness, so complete it saturates practically every pore.  There is the distraction of the day, but it is in the quietness of the night when there is no distraction when the, ‘…is what it is…’ overwhelms.

It is often said, it is the worst feeling of loss is when you realize you hadn’t truly appreciated something when you had it; you know when it is gone and the space seems empty.  Well that is not true, it isn’t the worst of feelings.  The worst of feelings is when you see someone you love slipping away and there is not one thing that can be done about it.  It is the most hopeless of feelings.

 


- ted

No Time – Some Time?

I will probably preface these posts from time to time, to say I am writing to sort out what I perceive life means.  This is a living experience and I expect my views and sense of things will evolve along the way.  If I give the impression that these thoughts are, “…just the way it is…” I will be giving a false impression.  I’m just curious and digging around to sort things out.

The Paradox - the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’

“Time, time, time is on my side - yes it is.” – Mick Jagger, The Rolling Stones
Were it only true!

The curious thing is that getting to ‘no time’ takes a ton of time!  This seems a bit strange, but I’m pretty sure this is the way it works...

In spite of the sense we have of being sophisticated and complex, we actually can do only one of two things in any given moment or circumstance: 

We can say yes and we can say no. 

You wear a shirt or blouse, trousers or skirt – You say yes to that piece of clothing - no to all the other clothes in your closet or dresser drawer. You might say yes to work - no to staying home; yes to a movie - no to a walk in the park; yes to one friend - no to another.  It all comes down to yeses and noes.

There is also a somewhat predictable outcome at these decision points.  A no has a singular result: Nothing will happen.  A yes on the other hand has two possibilities: Nothing will happen OR Something will happen. 

This may seem a bit oversimplified, but we are binary creatures confined in the moment to these two choices, whether it is the events presented or even the thoughts we choose to think and words we choose to speak. 

When we say yes, and something happens, we are presented with another set of options for a yes and no, and on it goes.  It is surprising how many things have been accomplished in this world because of the uncounted numbers of yeses that have been expressed - Nations built, machines constructed, communities established and friendships grown – all of this on the basis of the simple yes/no choice.

It is not just the yes that is important; the no also plays a central role. A no also leads to another set of choices, and so on and so on. It is the judicious use of the two that permit us to focus on the things letting exchange ‘time’ for ‘no time.’ 

This is the paradox.  To reach a state of ‘no time,’ one must learn the use of the yeses and noes to create the channel that will transport them into that place.

Life and Action

The most important thing we have in life is our word.  Without a dependable word, nothing works right – not our relationships, not our jobs – nothing!  This truth becomes self evident in our lives regardless of we recognize its value or whether we do not.  The more dependable our word, the greater the quality of our lives, the less dependable, the more difficulties we will have.

The second most important thing we have is time – that is to say, the hours in a day.  This is critical in understanding the great escape into the timelessness of ‘no time.’  It is the how we use our daily time that makes the difference.  There are a number of ways we experience little flashes of ‘no time’ that may greatly influence how we spend our entire lives, meaning increased periods of life experiences that allow us to have more timeless experiences.

There are many things that can take us to a place where time doesn’t seem to matter, but not all of them are meaningful.  We can busy our minds with the things of the day – what our neighbors, politicians, movie actors and actresses are doing – the gossip… Or we can find things to occupy our minds that build a foundation for the next idea that creates a healthy body of information and feelings.  If we do this in our daily lives, we will create a mature, life promoting and helpful world for ourselves. 

In this context, it is important to know we are in charge of our own lives, the CEO of our own company, the soul that makes all the decisions as to how we react.  We cannot always change our circumstances, but we can change the way we think about them.  William Henley in his Book of Verses, expressed this so powerfully in the Poem "Invictus" – the last four lines go like this:

“...It matters not how strait the gate

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul.”

Action it is

This leads to a discussion and importance of action in life.  If there is one truth as sure as gravity – LIFE REWARDS ACTION is it!!  It doesn’t reward great vision, big dreams, best of intentions, hope that all will be well – It REWARDS ACTION PERIOD! 

All action is preceded by thought.  We do nothing we don’t think about in some fashion.  This is why it is important to be the in charge and work to direct the thoughts, therefore the actions, of our lives. 

So the way we engage and direct our thoughts is important, because the words we think is what we will say and do.  What we say and do is what we will become.  This means what we imagine in our minds and act upon is what we will be. 

Keep our thoughts elevated and so our lives will be.  Choose what to put in our minds, choose what ideas we think about, choose the words we speak and choose the actions we perform.  For surely this is the beginning of a conscious, deliberate, breath by breath, journey that will be filled with timeless moments – ‘no time!’

It is also important to look for things to put in front of us, to remind us how important words are.  I have had the following saying for many years.  I look at it from time to time. I am not sure the author, but it has been helpful for me.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

 


- ted

In Search of No Time

“…one of two things are possible – either death is a state of nothingness and utter unconsciousness or…there is a change and migration of the soul from this world to another…if you suppose that there is no consciousness, but a sleep like the sleep of the one who is undisturbed even by dreams, death will be an unspeakable gain…But if death is the journey to another place, and there…all the dead abide, what good…can be greater than this?”  Socrates – the Apology (Plato Dialogues)

Life finds us where we are.  This is the inescapable simple but concrete truth.  Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.’…and so we think, and so we are.  What happens in the future, what our fate or loss or salvation is, is yet ahead and unknown.  So we find ourselves alive today, in circumstances often over which we have little control, trying to simply figure out the moment.

In the stream of our lives we live in the narrowest of time.  Dickens said, “It was the best of times and it was the worst of times,” but in fact it is only the ‘breath of time’ in which we live.  It is only this moment, the moment in which these words are being written or read that truly has meaning.  Yesterday, the accumulation of ‘breath of times’ is recorded with the exhalation of every breath.  It is the unchangeable record of a life lived.  Consciousness of that record is intended to guide our action during the breath, but often is revisited again and again in ways that do not promote the moment.

There is only one ‘time’ that can be taken from us, and that is now.  Yesterday is over and cannot be retrieved or altered; tomorrow, no matter how well planned, is the unknown and cannot with assurance be predicted.  While this seems to be a simple thing to consider, it is everything in the shaping of our lives.

The scripture says, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness goodness and faith.  This is a concise collection of words that form a focus both for our action in the moment, and reflect the true hunger that we all have as human creatures – the seeking of ‘No Time!’

While we are bound by the dimension in which we live, we all seek its escape.  We do that in a passive or active ways.

We might listen to music, watch a film, read a book…how often have we heard the expression that the experience was over almost before it got started?  Some of us seek ‘no time’ in an active way.  Our work might be inspiring, seeking others with whom we find resonance, a hobby that we find interesting, a journey to a new place with new experiences.

We were transcended into a different world through the sounds, the images or the words or activity.  This is something we naturally seek.  We have a hunger to escape the world in which we live into another world we hope will bring us love or joy or peace or longsuffering or….Our desire to escape this time is one of the hints we have in our lives in our search for NO TIME.

So what is this ‘No Time?’ – this place that all of us seek?  It is the place toward which all of our human activity is really directed – the great escape into a place where the boundaries of the dimensional world in which we live cannot hold us.

For example, all of us have had the experience of revisiting an old friend – someone who we possibly have not seen in many years.  How long does it seem that we have been separated?  How quickly does it take for the bridge to be reconnected?  The answer is ‘no time’…it happens in no time AND it feels good.

How often have you found yourself occupied with a project that so consumed you, before you knew it hours had passed?  Maybe you were building something, playing a game, focused on a particular project…the event or object of your attention isn’t really the key here.  You have, in fact, found yourself in ‘no time.’

If you have been in love and found yourself in the presence of the person or people for whom you have great affection, how is time measured?  It is not measured, because this place has ‘no time.’

Maybe you have taken an anticipated trip or looked forward to a particular event.  The waiting for the date seemed to last forever, but the event, the experience – if fullfiling – was over almost before it began…You had found yourself in ‘no time.’

No time is the place of transcendence all human creatures seek.  It is the desire to fulfill the curiosity of the ‘next moment,’ the anticipation of elevating oneself free from the confines of the three-dimensional world in which we live.

Many books have been written about ‘no time.’  It could be argued that every inspirational writing, every uplifting book or piece of music or event, relates to the escape from this world and our lives and is about ‘no time.’ 

Think of the holy writings of the great religions, the legion of self-help books that promise freedom from our lives if we only follow the authors’ 10 steps, 7 habits, certain foods, special exercises…Why do we meditate on their teachings, buy their work, listen to their authors, watch their films, entertain their music?  It is because all of it – all of it feeds the hunger to transcend or surpass the lives we live.  

Like the salmon who return to the river of their birth after a journey of thousands of miles, the drive to return home, the hunger to once again touch and embrace the intimately familiar…we seek, I dare say are drawn to the place of ‘no time.’

A Beginning

 I have spent a good deal of my adult life, like many others, asking '...why?...' or more to the point, "what does it mean?"  

The the first part of the 'what does it mean' is fairly easy...you know the '...what...' part.  You see or experience an event, a film, a book, a meal, or a friend, and you report what happened or how it took place.  Photos and travel journals are simply great to share what happened on a trip, for example.  We find ourselves drawn to good story tellers, because they draw us into a world of their thought - a kind of voyeurism into their consciousness.  Yet, what underlies our appetite for the '...what's...' is our true desire to understand the '...why...' - the meaning of it all. 

We might say we simply want to be happy; simply want our fair share; simply want to be loved.  If we were able to put it more clearly into words - the poorest of methods for communicating real feeling - we might say, we simply want to know what it all means...does it have a purpose...is there truly a place, as the founders of the American Constitution wrote, of "...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."

The musings contained in this blog pretty much reflect my sense of meaning, or rather my growing sense of meaning - for surely meaning is not a destination, but rather a process of transcendent growth interspersed with long dry spells on plateaus of understanding that often seem endless.  Like every other plateau in life, whether it be sport, understanding or relationships, the key is to simply keep going - not to give in to the monolithic wall that seems insurmountable.  BECAUSE...when that plateau is overcome, the reward is worth the frustration, hopelessness and fear that nothing will change, that none of it makes sense, that there is no meaning!  

Hope for overcoming a particular plateau can be embodied in the faithful words, "...ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened..."  Action, action, action...life rewards only one thing and that is action.  Action in the face of defeat, action in the joy of growth, action for the sake of action.  Moving water has life - otherwise it stagnates.

I am not sure how this will all sort itself out, for this blog is a living document.  If you are looking for stories of my life, or who I am, or what I think about the politic of the day, this is not for you.  If you are interested in sharing a bit of my journey in my struggle to understand, welcome aboard.

If you have thoughts, I am extremely open to hearing them.  Please let me know what you think.  On the other hand, if you are interested in simply expressing a dogma or a ideology, don't bother responding.  Dogma and ideology are simply the safe place we huddle that give us permission to no longer think.  Dogmatists and ideologues can be found in the newspaper columns, our churches and the 24hour news cycle...I'm not interested.

I will try to add to the blog at least on a weekly basis, maybe more frequently...