A small thing? I'm not so sure...

“Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and 

not one of them is forgotten before God?”

Luke 12:6 – Bible (KJV)

 

Some events in our journeys are milestones…big things that alter the course of life or, at the very least, have a memorable impact. Others are more intimate and smaller yet make unexpected impressions equally memorable. 

This is one of those.

 

“It was one of the most difficult cases I have dealt with," Carol said. "At first, it seemed a lost cause, but the next morning, after being in the incubator all night, he seemed better."

 

How it started…

I was sitting in the backyard working on a blog on a warm, clear, sunny morning. We have made an effort to make this small space as desert-friendly as possible for plants and trees, bees, insects, and birds. In fact, it’s easy to disappear from the world while watching these creatures. In one case, gathering pollen, and the other drinking from the feeders around the yard.

 

If I'm lucky, once and a while a coyote or two will trot by on the other side of our fence. We might even see the occasional javelina (have-a-leena). These smelly and unsightly pig-like creatures make one think they could only be loved by their mother. It is hard to imagine how they find mating partners. I suppose it is hard because I am not one of them.

 

The most plentiful visitors are hummingbirds. At first when we put the feeders out, only one or two found them. We gave them names, but it wasn’t long before more of these little creatures found the sugar water containers hanging in the yard. The naming fell by the wayside.

 

I have a sister who knows birds by sight and sound. On the other hand, I know nothing except the utter joy of watching these tiny birds stop, start, hover, and fly at incredible speeds. Some days, I suppose out of avian curiosity, they hover a few inches from my face checking me out. It is awesome!

 

The Event…

While writing this Saturday morning, I heard a muffled disturbance on the ground, just at the edge of our brick patio. I looked down to see what looked like a micro Mixed Martial Arts wrestling event just a couple of feet from me.

 

Two hummingbirds looked to be fighting with one another. One was on top, and at first, I thought they might be mating. I’ve seen birds mate before here in the desert…relatively benign events. But once in New York, I witnessed five male ducks attempting to mate with a female in a pond. It looked more like a violent gang rape. The attacks were so nonstop and so aggressive that I thought the female was going to drown.

 

As tiny as hummingbirds are, something didn't seem right. The hummingbird on the bottom was flipping from its front to its back, and the one on top was unrelentingly attacking.

 

Shewing the aggressive hummingbird away, the one on the ground rolled over on its stomach…one of its wings spayed straight out to its side. I picked the tiny creature up in my hand and the wing returned to a normal position along its body. It was so light I couldn’t even feel it sitting there.

 

What to do…

While this was happening, Molly got a small box and lined it with a couple of facecloths. We got the little fellow in it. He was not too happy about it…fluttering around inside. She got the contact information for the Tucson animal/bird rescue organization and called them. They said to bring the hummingbird to them.

 

We got in the car (the hummingbird and I – I drove). Forty-five minutes later, I arrived only to discover they did not take hummingbirds. The folks there had missed the 'humming' part when Molly talked to them. However, they knew a woman who took in these little creatures. Thirty-five minutes later, I pulled into the driveway of a home in a neighborhood on the east side of town.

 

The box with the hummingbird and feeling like a FedX delivery man, I knocked on the door. A mid-sixties woman answered and confirmed that she was the hummingbird rescue lady…Carol. 

 

“Yes, I am. Please come in,” she said pointing to a chair at a table just inside the door.

 

I began to tell her the story, but she stopped me. 

 

“Tell me in a few minutes. I need to get this little one into the incubator.”

 

Five minutes later, she returned, and we chatted. She had been rescuing hummingbirds for nearly thirty years. It was clear this was a passion of hers. She talked about them as if they were her children.

 

The one I brought was a purple-throated ‘Anna’ male. When I mentioned the circumstances to her, she said this was not mating. 

 

“Hummingbirds are extremely territorial and aggressive,” she said. “If they see another one is vulnerable, they will kill it. I'm unsure we can save this one, but I will try.”

 

After leaving her home, I hoped this little fellow would survive.

 

The next day…

The rest of the day and that night, I thought about that little guy, hoping he would make it. Sunday morning passed slowly. Finally, in the afternoon, I called.

 

“Carol, how is the hummingbird?”

 

"I'm sorry," she said, sounding as if she was going to cry. "He didn't make it. In the night, he perked up and took some food, but he couldn't get upright because the joint of his wing was broken. I had to put him down this morning."

 

What does it mean?

We chatted for a few minutes, consoling one another. I hung up and shed a tear.

 

On that Saturday morning, I felt connected with another life…another creature...part of the astonishing universe in which we live. 

 

I thought about the world around us teeming with life. All of it connected and pieces of the complex workings of nature's timepiece.

 

In the end, I knew this creature was just a tiny 'breath' in the universe, but so am I…

The difference in the big picture? Probably not that much... 

 

- ted

 

 

 

 

 

Lung Cancer - it's breathtaking...

What is your life but a vapor?

Book of James – KJV

“Do you want the good news or bad news first?

“The good news,” I said

“The good news is that you don’t have any emboli in your left lung. The bad news is that you have a couple of tumors. It also appears you have viral bronchitis, which we can treat with prednisone.”

The back story…

In late September, I took my bike and headed for PineTop, a small town on the edge of the Apache Native American reservation in the White Mountains of Arizona. My friend Clayton has a place there, and it was the perfect spot to go from triple-digit temperatures in Tucson to comfortable double digits. 

Riding at altitude (7,000 ft – 2134 m) was a little more strenuous than at the 2,800 ft (853 m) where I live. But drinking lots of water and sightseeing on two wheels amongst the towering pine trees made the riding wonderful. It was a great few days.

While there, I developed a sharp, constant pain above my left shoulder blade that felt like a pulled muscle. After I got home, the pain seemed to migrate forward and settle between my shoulder blade and chest. I continued to exercise, with no change in pain intensity.

Weirdly, I also began to lose my voice and had a dry cough. Finally, consulting a doctor, it was suggested that I should have a CAT scan. I told her I wasn’t sure our house cats would stand for it…I thought it was funny, she, not so much. 

The concern was that I might have a small embolism (a piece of a blood clot) in the upper lobe of my left lung. Apparently, these sorts of things can occur sometimes in older people.

The scan…

I headed to the Veteran’s Hospital Emergency Room for a CAT scan and waited for the results. When they came in, it was not what I expected…it was not good.

The point here is that there was a high probability I had lung cancer. Within a few days, Molly and I sat with an oncologist from the University of Arizona Cancer Center. Suddenly, things became surreal. I mean, how? I had never smoked and have had so little alcohol; I'm considered a non-drinker. I’m a regular exerciser, a good sleeper, and watch my diet pretty carefully…you know, the health stuff. Other than the shoulder pain (resolved by now), I had no symptoms at rest or during exercise.

After reporting this to the oncologist, she explained that there is nearly a 10% rate of ‘never smoker’ lung cancer. That was not too comforting.

Needle in the lung…

The next step was to do a biopsy of the tumor. It would take a couple of weeks to schedule it and another week to get the pathology back. Honestly, the sun was not shining too brightly in the western skies. 

The waiting gave me time to think. I have prepared myself for an unexpected chronic disease that might bring my exit sooner than my family’s gene pool suggests. If this was the hand I had been dealt, it would be pain drugs and palliative care, but no chemotherapy. I didn't want to painfully prolong something that could significantly affect my quality of life. 

That plan had a brief life (no pun intended) when I talked this over with the family. I got the '…you know this isn't just about you…’ tongue lashing. There are people who love you, and you need to fight this for them…' I had not considered that…you know, others and the love part.

What could be next?

I have spent a lifetime going through doors when I had no idea what was behind them…the willingness to do this has given me the most amazing of journeys. This looked like it might be the last one, and I felt prepared for it. Because of my faith, I was, in some ways, looking forward to the transition. The truth is that I was pretty Zen about the whole thing. While there was some anxiety, I deeply believe that this life is just a part of the journey. I have no regrets.

The playground extended its hours…

Tuesday late afternoon after the biopsy on the preceding Thursday, I got a call from my primary care physician’s nurse. 

“The path report came in. It isn’t cancer, it’s Valley Fever (Coccidioidomycosis). The tumors are fair-sized nodules in your left lung, but there is no cancer."

It is hard to express the feelings at the news. I had built a mental narrative for three weeks or so in preparation for the '…what's next…', and it took a day or two for me to deconstruct it…to believe this would not be the endgame.

Valley Fever? What the heck?

Most of you reading this have probably never heard of Valley Fever. This is because it occurs in only a few places in the United States, one of which is in the Sonoran Desert in Tucson. 

It is a fungus that lives a few inches underground in the desert floor. It becomes airborne when the soil is stirred up (like construction sites). When breathed in, it nestles into the tiny air sacs of the lungs. Almost everyone that lives out here gets Valley Fever. Most symptoms are mild, and the immune system manages them. For others, like me, the immune system gets a little overwhelmed. The spores mature and, like dandelion seeds, float and coalesce into nodules like those in my lungs. Sometimes, the spores can even lead to diffuse places outside the lungs.

Valley Fever is a great mimicker of other diseases. Suppose for example, it is picked up here and carried to another part of the country. It might appear as arthritis, chronic headache, back pain, cold or flu, or bone pain. While there is no vaccine for it, treatment is usually in the form of an oral antifungal medication when necessary. It is important for people who have been here and return to their homes with the above symptoms, ask for a Valley Fever blood test.

A little more to do…

More testing will be needed in the next few weeks to make sure the fungus has not become systemic. 

At the moment, I have no symptoms that keep me from exercising and living a normal, everyday life. Once the next testing battery is complete, a decision will be made as to what, if any, treatment will be necessary.

The great news? It's Valley Fever is NOT cancer!

- ted

Tommy Boy - part 2

"Spend time in your life building a home  

in your heart. A house has no character..."

- Anonymous

After telling her little boy the story of how Hannah had given her son to the old priest Eli to raise, and after she let him know he too was a gift from God, she began a story about babies when they were born.

The old fellow had not heard this story, at least he couldn’t remember that he had. So, he settled in to watch and listen as his mother spoke to her child.

*

Tommy, arrived on the planet, I suppose, like most little boys do, having no idea what had just happened! If he had been able to say anything, he would have said he was exhausted and hurt all over.

Adding to this, and for no apparent reason, it was bright and cold…real cold. And it was noisy. He didn’t know why. He actually didn’t know anything. All he had sensed before this, and it wasn't much, was comfort, quiet, warmth, and plenty to eat. Something was terribly wrong!

Oh yeah, and he was hungry. He couldn’t say he was hungry; he couldn't say anything but somehow just knew, or better said, felt an aching feeling that was brand spanking new. In fact, there was a literal spank that took his breath away—again better said, gave him breath because that was new, too; he gasped. What!? How did that happen? 

He had no idea this was the first inspiration of his life. It just happened…the BIG BREATH I mean. And that’s how the whole thing started. You could imagine, if even you could remember or imagine what a weird, astonishing thing that first breath was.

A small piece of good news, he felt a sudden warmth. It wasn’t exactly what he had known, but it felt much better than when this thing first started. He didn’t know at the time it was his mother’s skin, who by the way was also exhausted.

All of this was too much! He needed to get home, but that might have to wait because he was on overload and, at the moment, really hungry.

There were other things. Tommy was wiggling around. He didn’t know how...he just was. Like before he got here, he could hardly wiggle at all. After that big breath, he took others in and out and made the oddest sounds. He would have to learn to get used to this.

He didn’t know he had eyes or ears or feely things on his body. Shoot, he didn’t know he had a body with arms and legs and fingers and toes. He only knew (felt) he was somewhere strange and at the moment very uncomfortable. Did I mention he was hungry?

That’s when, on that warm skin, he found a place to eat. It was his mother’s breast. At least he wasn’t really cold, and found he wasn’t as hungry.

He didn't know it then, and despite his desire to return to the 'no care world' he had just left, it would be a long time before he understood this confusing place into which he found himself was actually meant to help him return home. Yes, for him, dare I say, for all of us, it would be a very long time.

Time, hmm…

For Tommy, of course, there was no time, there was no space. So, for the sake of the reader, as the very early days passed, there were new things just about everywhere he turned, or wiggled, as it were.

You see, like all new arrivals, he didn't have many items in his bag of tools. He didn’t even know he had a kit…but he did and inside there were two things: faith and curiosity. Like the breathing and wiggling, they were a part of the package. 

Tool 1: Faith… 

Faith is the thing that we come with that is of kind of like glue. It builds a body of belief…it helps us hold on to consistent ideas and experiences. Of course, Tommy didn’t know about any of that, he was just trying to get by. 

For him, after he began to warm up a little, the first thing he believed in was the nipple. At the start, he needed a little help, but man, was he glad he found that thing. It was pretty strange, but most of the time, when he had that achy feeling, the nipple showed up. It had stuff in it that made him feel better and he latched on to it as if his life depended on it. And of course, it did. 

Even stranger, Tommy learned to tell when that thing was coming before it even showed up. He would get a feeling it would be there. And you know what? It almost always was. The ‘glue’ was on automatic pilot and doing its job.

As it turns out, he would learn that handy feeder was his mom. And even more unbelievable that he was deposited on the planet from her. Course, like all these other things happening to him, he would know that later.

Tool 2: Curiosity

The reason this item comes along with faith in the tool kit is that they work together as a team…like peanut butter and honey (this writer’s favorite). Sometimes faith starts a deal and curiosity adds to it, and sometimes curiosity gets the ball rolling and faith just jumps in to make sure it builds stronger belief. Curiosity might whisper an idea…a small one, ‘cause Tommy was still figuring things out. Then Tommy would check it out…building a little room inside his mind to help him along.

The boy couldn’t feel it yet, but he was beginning to get the impression that survival in this place meant doing and learning new things. The best part was that he was having fun most of the time. 

Well, there was that warm and cold stuff that showed up between his mouth and those feet things. It wasn't too much fun. It seemed to appear a lot, and even though he wasn’t crazy about it, he got used to it. The first few times it was weird ‘cause he’d get turned upside down, rubbed a little and then things would go back to normal.

Soon by using those first two items in his kit, he learned he was ready to look around a little more. 

“And, that my dearest young man," the little boy's mother said."This is what happens when babies are born." My mother knew it was enough for the time being. 

*

The scene with the old fellow’s mother and her five-year-old son slipped away, and it was just two of them. 

“Thanks, Mum," the old man said. "this was so good.”

She put her arms around him, kissed him on the cheek, and said, “That’s what it was like when Tommy…you, arrived in our lives.” 

And with that, she was gone and the old fellow found himself alone. 

Without getting into all the details, it wasn't until these later years he understood it was the power of faith and curiosity that led to the most extraordinary of lives. 

*

That evening, as he sat watching the western face of the mountains light up with reflected sunlight, he looked back on the day. The visit from his mother and the memories of his youth stirred a deep appreciation for his journey. By now, the sun was getting ready to set. Like sunrise in the mornings, it wasn’t really setting, the earth was just rolling away from it.

And so it was with the old fellow’s life. It had begun with muted and unclear colors, that took on a vibrancy of the day’s light. Now, like the earth at sunset, life as he knew it was rolling away. But before it slipped beyond the horizon, the beauty of the sky and his life, reminded him of all that had been given. It was now he knew as he had so much desired when he first arrived…

The old fellow finally understood, after all this time...

He was on his way home.

- ted